My doc in Kingston told me today it was our last appt. Apparently because he has made all the recommendations to my family doc it is now his job to follow up. Which he isnt. One rec was a new med. He wont put me on it cause its new in Canada. Another was a team that specializes in anxiety which would be PERFECT, however my doc has something personal against the person who runs it so he wont refer me there either. My last hope is that he sends me to CAHM. Which as of yesterday he had not done anything about. So here I am back at square one, anxiety is horrible, no appts left with the EAP counsellor and no more appts in Kingston with the phychiatrist, so I am screwed.
Plus for the first time ever Steve and I are having problems. His being diagnosed with depression has caused problems. I guess he feels now that he does not have to watch the kids etc that he needs all the free time he can get and I am stuck doing it all. Why do things have to be so hard :(
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
What a weekend
It has not been fun. Steve is working midnights, Madison is at her dads and my anxiety has decided to show up in full force. Friday night was the worst. I was having stomach cramps, my blood pressure was up and I just felt absolutely alone and terrified. I had the same type of pain from when I had pancreatitis so I was petrified that it was happening again. Of course that jst made m blood pressure shoot up which I was taking atleast every five minutes when I didnt have a thermometer stuck in my mouth. ]
When Steve is so far away and I have no car I am so worried that if something happens to me I am screwed, what will I do with the kids? How will I get anywhere.
I spent over an hour googling health related things that of course scared me even more. I should know better but when I am at that point everything I do and think is irrational.
I guess the best part is I made it through.
Last night was not quite as bad. I did have a pain in my side and chest pain that was starting to get intense but thankfully I fell asleep. I think it stems from the magazine article I read that young, fit healthy woman are having more heart attacks. There couldnt be a worse thing for me to read. My biggest fear right there in print.
Today is fathers day. I miss my dad more than words can describe. He was my everything and things have and never will be the same. I would love to be able to be going over to his place today with the kids. The kids he never got to meet. I truly believe I have yet to fully grieve the loss of him and that is a part of my problem. My fear of dying how he died is so overwhelming. I am only 8 years away from the age he was when he died, by my age he had already had bypass surgery and several heart attacks. I miss him so much it still hurts and it has been 17 years. 17 years, that is crazy. Unfortunately its been 16 years of sheer panic and anxiety hell. All I want is to life my live, without this horrible demon. Enjoy my kids, enjoy life. My dad did, sickness and all. He lived each days to its fullest. Why can I not adapt that attitude? Someday.
Happy Fathers Day Dad, I love you and miss you so much. I hope you can see your beautiful grandchildren as they would have loved you! We all love you!
When Steve is so far away and I have no car I am so worried that if something happens to me I am screwed, what will I do with the kids? How will I get anywhere.
I spent over an hour googling health related things that of course scared me even more. I should know better but when I am at that point everything I do and think is irrational.
I guess the best part is I made it through.
Last night was not quite as bad. I did have a pain in my side and chest pain that was starting to get intense but thankfully I fell asleep. I think it stems from the magazine article I read that young, fit healthy woman are having more heart attacks. There couldnt be a worse thing for me to read. My biggest fear right there in print.
Today is fathers day. I miss my dad more than words can describe. He was my everything and things have and never will be the same. I would love to be able to be going over to his place today with the kids. The kids he never got to meet. I truly believe I have yet to fully grieve the loss of him and that is a part of my problem. My fear of dying how he died is so overwhelming. I am only 8 years away from the age he was when he died, by my age he had already had bypass surgery and several heart attacks. I miss him so much it still hurts and it has been 17 years. 17 years, that is crazy. Unfortunately its been 16 years of sheer panic and anxiety hell. All I want is to life my live, without this horrible demon. Enjoy my kids, enjoy life. My dad did, sickness and all. He lived each days to its fullest. Why can I not adapt that attitude? Someday.
Happy Fathers Day Dad, I love you and miss you so much. I hope you can see your beautiful grandchildren as they would have loved you! We all love you!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Still feels like a Monday!
Started off the day tired. Very Very tired. Not sure if its because Rae was up quite a bit coughing or what it was but I had zero motivation. Fed the kids, played with them, fed them again and poor Rae was falling asleep in her highchair. So put them down for their naps. I doubted that I would be able to get on the bike for long because I was so wiped out but I did 32 kms and was on 45+ minutes, then I did a stability ball workout so I was quite impressed. Actually feeling alittle less tired as well. Checked my BP about 4 times so far today. Not good, not bad. Its far from the one time that I am suppose to check it. Still 5 more hours till Steve gets home and I hate that. Thankfully tomorrow with having to go to Kingston I will be so busy that HOPEFULLY the time will fly. The worst part is the drive. I get really really tired and have troubles staying awake. So need to get my butt in bed at a normal time tonight.
So not much to report so far, borderline on the anxiety, hasnt built up so hopefully it wont!
So not much to report so far, borderline on the anxiety, hasnt built up so hopefully it wont!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Good and Bad day
I worked out hard for 45 minutes today and then went for a walk with the family. My anxiety has been up more than it has been today. I am unhappy with my blood pressure numbers and feel like the harder I try to keep them down by eating right, exercise etc the less it is helping. I know Steve is younger but when he gets such good BP #'s and eats a ton of salt and doesnt exercise etc it actually bothers me. Why do I have to fight so hard just to keep it barely below high. I hate it! I feel cheated somehow.
Steve starts 12's tomorrow so he will be gone for 14 hours a day now. That sucks big time. He wont even see the kids. That is part of my anxiety. I hated it when he was on 10's. This sucks so much more. But its life and I need to suck it up and deal with it. I am interested to hear what Dr.M has to say about me lowering my Paxil on Wednesday. I dont think he can say much when it was causing such serious side effects! Hmmm stay on a high dose and kill myself or go back down and figure something else out! No brainer there. I had phychiatrists. I really do. I spend an hour spilling my every fear and he says nothing. All he does is tell me to try not to take my blood pressure so much and gives me a script that nearly killed me. Gee thanks a ton! Glad I drove over an hour for that. I am so looking forward to Wednesday :( Maybe he will actually listen and realize that we are not getting anywhere. Who knows. One can hope right!!!!
Anyhow its late and I should be laying next to Steve since our time is going to be very limited together this week. Hopefully today is a brighter day.
Steve starts 12's tomorrow so he will be gone for 14 hours a day now. That sucks big time. He wont even see the kids. That is part of my anxiety. I hated it when he was on 10's. This sucks so much more. But its life and I need to suck it up and deal with it. I am interested to hear what Dr.M has to say about me lowering my Paxil on Wednesday. I dont think he can say much when it was causing such serious side effects! Hmmm stay on a high dose and kill myself or go back down and figure something else out! No brainer there. I had phychiatrists. I really do. I spend an hour spilling my every fear and he says nothing. All he does is tell me to try not to take my blood pressure so much and gives me a script that nearly killed me. Gee thanks a ton! Glad I drove over an hour for that. I am so looking forward to Wednesday :( Maybe he will actually listen and realize that we are not getting anywhere. Who knows. One can hope right!!!!
Anyhow its late and I should be laying next to Steve since our time is going to be very limited together this week. Hopefully today is a brighter day.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Its been awhile!
Wow it has been months since I have posted. I am not really sure why. I guess if I dont write about it maybe it isnt real?
I am actually over a month free of blood pressure medication!! It is a miracle. I do tend to have days when it is not what I would like it to be and it sets off my anxiety pretty badly but I get through them which is what is truly important.
I have had several ups and downs since I last wrote. My husband has started a new job that takes him away for 14+ hours a day which is a huge change from having him home with me for 9 mnths straight. I have been coping pretty well with it though.
My biggest fall back of course is still the blood pressure and the constant checking and the insane fear that it will get high again. I get very upset because I am doing everything I can to keep it low and when it goes up I feel like I am failing.
Exercise has become a very positive thing in my daily life. I feel really good after a good workout and I think it keeps the anxiety in check.
I am also starting to see a relation to my hormones and the anxiety, it seems the same days each month I have very bad days. I have talked to my doctor and we are trying a vitamin first and then possibly birth control that helps to regulate hormones. I am not really keen on that idea but we will see,
I FINALLY got my doctor to send me to a phychiatrist. I have to drive over an hour but its about time. Of course he did what I thought and raised my paxil to a high dose. It was a horrible experience. I began having night terrors and having constant suicidal thoughts and felt like I was truly going crazy. So I am back down to my normal dose. I am not sure what the next step is. I think he wants to send me to an OCD clinic out of town. But it is a short inpatient thing and with two young kids it may be very difficult to do.
Either way, I am here, getting through things one day at a time, one step at a time. Trying to keep the demon at bay. It has almost been a year since my daughter was born and I had the horrible blood pressure experience so hopefully each day it gets further away it will leave my mind. I guess I can hope.
I am actually over a month free of blood pressure medication!! It is a miracle. I do tend to have days when it is not what I would like it to be and it sets off my anxiety pretty badly but I get through them which is what is truly important.
I have had several ups and downs since I last wrote. My husband has started a new job that takes him away for 14+ hours a day which is a huge change from having him home with me for 9 mnths straight. I have been coping pretty well with it though.
My biggest fall back of course is still the blood pressure and the constant checking and the insane fear that it will get high again. I get very upset because I am doing everything I can to keep it low and when it goes up I feel like I am failing.
Exercise has become a very positive thing in my daily life. I feel really good after a good workout and I think it keeps the anxiety in check.
I am also starting to see a relation to my hormones and the anxiety, it seems the same days each month I have very bad days. I have talked to my doctor and we are trying a vitamin first and then possibly birth control that helps to regulate hormones. I am not really keen on that idea but we will see,
I FINALLY got my doctor to send me to a phychiatrist. I have to drive over an hour but its about time. Of course he did what I thought and raised my paxil to a high dose. It was a horrible experience. I began having night terrors and having constant suicidal thoughts and felt like I was truly going crazy. So I am back down to my normal dose. I am not sure what the next step is. I think he wants to send me to an OCD clinic out of town. But it is a short inpatient thing and with two young kids it may be very difficult to do.
Either way, I am here, getting through things one day at a time, one step at a time. Trying to keep the demon at bay. It has almost been a year since my daughter was born and I had the horrible blood pressure experience so hopefully each day it gets further away it will leave my mind. I guess I can hope.
Friday, February 8, 2008
LOVING my new prescription!!!
Okay so it is a Benzo, bad reputation I know. But omg what a difference it has made in two days. I was prescribed Clonazepam yesterday on top of the Paxil and lorazepam that I already take and it made me feel better within one hour of taking it. It is longer lasting than lorazepam and seems to help so much more. So I have alittle bit more optimism back which is a great start!!!!
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
The start of another new day
So far not so bad. Besides the fact we have yet another Winter storm happening. Schools cancelled again. Freezing rain, tons of snow and a touch of cabin fever going on.
I didnt wake up to anxious. I of course took my temperature which was fine and my blood pressure, which was fine but not low enough to keep me happy.
Steve is off today but has gone out to do some errands so its me and the three kids as usual.
I have started thinking so negatively lately. I sit here and think that this is going to be my life day in and day out with no change for atleast 4 years until one of the babies is in school. Same ole cleaning, changing diapers, cooking etc etc. I love my kids and wouldnt change them at all but the idea that this is it is scary. I need to find hobbies or something or I will go mad. Thank goodness for the computer atleast!
I desperately need to get back on the treadmill. It has been a week plus and I know its affecting me. With Steve working I havent been able to get to the new gym I joined at all yet. Not to mention the fact I am alittle anxious about going there for the first time to begin with. But I will get there and get back on track, I have too! For me and my family.
I have also looked into finding an "on call" type of babysitter. Basically if Steve is at work and I am having a rough go of it, someone I can call to bring the kids too for awhile until I can calm down or whatever. I really think that would ease my mind ALOT. Anyhow, since its so early in the day I will come back and update later this evening!
I didnt wake up to anxious. I of course took my temperature which was fine and my blood pressure, which was fine but not low enough to keep me happy.
Steve is off today but has gone out to do some errands so its me and the three kids as usual.
I have started thinking so negatively lately. I sit here and think that this is going to be my life day in and day out with no change for atleast 4 years until one of the babies is in school. Same ole cleaning, changing diapers, cooking etc etc. I love my kids and wouldnt change them at all but the idea that this is it is scary. I need to find hobbies or something or I will go mad. Thank goodness for the computer atleast!
I desperately need to get back on the treadmill. It has been a week plus and I know its affecting me. With Steve working I havent been able to get to the new gym I joined at all yet. Not to mention the fact I am alittle anxious about going there for the first time to begin with. But I will get there and get back on track, I have too! For me and my family.
I have also looked into finding an "on call" type of babysitter. Basically if Steve is at work and I am having a rough go of it, someone I can call to bring the kids too for awhile until I can calm down or whatever. I really think that would ease my mind ALOT. Anyhow, since its so early in the day I will come back and update later this evening!
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Well still fighting with it
I made it through yesterday without having to call Steve home from work. It was a very long day and I had to take Ativan to make it through it.
Today I was alittle better and only needed half an ativan but have still been feeling really worked up. I have been taking my temperature constantly because it is up a tiny bit. And I mean a tiny bit(98.7-99) so .1 to .3 of a degree. But yet I am still worried and keep taking it over and over again. Same goes with the blood pressure. Forever taking it. When I see 120/75 I panic. I am only happy when it is below 110/70. Drives me crazy!!!!! The good thing is that I didnt increase my BP meds. I tend to do that if I see a slightly higher reading than normal and I know it is not good to self medicated like that.
I just wanna go back to where I was. Feeling better, more optimistic and not so horrible. I type this as I stick the thermoter back in my mouth for the 5th time in ten minutes. And of course it is 99 so now I am in a panic again! Why do I do this to myself?????? Why cant I just put it away and ignore it. This is such a painful part of my life. I cant even imagine what my 10 yr old must think when she sees me doing this. She must think her mom is nuts. I want to be healthy, feel healthy and stop thinking about it all the time!!!! I am missing out on so much because of this. My babies growing up, my enjoyment, time with my husband. For others out there that suffer I can imagine you know the feeling. I just hope tomorrow is a better day
Today I was alittle better and only needed half an ativan but have still been feeling really worked up. I have been taking my temperature constantly because it is up a tiny bit. And I mean a tiny bit(98.7-99) so .1 to .3 of a degree. But yet I am still worried and keep taking it over and over again. Same goes with the blood pressure. Forever taking it. When I see 120/75 I panic. I am only happy when it is below 110/70. Drives me crazy!!!!! The good thing is that I didnt increase my BP meds. I tend to do that if I see a slightly higher reading than normal and I know it is not good to self medicated like that.
I just wanna go back to where I was. Feeling better, more optimistic and not so horrible. I type this as I stick the thermoter back in my mouth for the 5th time in ten minutes. And of course it is 99 so now I am in a panic again! Why do I do this to myself?????? Why cant I just put it away and ignore it. This is such a painful part of my life. I cant even imagine what my 10 yr old must think when she sees me doing this. She must think her mom is nuts. I want to be healthy, feel healthy and stop thinking about it all the time!!!! I am missing out on so much because of this. My babies growing up, my enjoyment, time with my husband. For others out there that suffer I can imagine you know the feeling. I just hope tomorrow is a better day
Monday, February 4, 2008
NOT GOOD AT ALL!!!!
I had a horrible day yesterday. I was too overwhelmed and sad and the anxiety came back full force. I was staking my blood pressure every 2 minutes and of course it was up and taking my temperature and crying and shaking it was HORRIBLE!!!
Today I have been borderline, I have been taking ativan to get through the day because Steve is at work and I am alone all day. I am so upset that I am doing so bad. I HATE THIS!
Today I have been borderline, I have been taking ativan to get through the day because Steve is at work and I am alone all day. I am so upset that I am doing so bad. I HATE THIS!
Saturday, February 2, 2008
All moved in
Well the day started off rough. I woke up with a headache and full of anxiety. I am sure it is just because of so much going on.
It was a rough move. They messed up where we were suppose to pick up the truck and then it took well over an hour just to shovel the driveway at the new place so we could get the truck in.
Then my Step-father who was really the only one we had helping us move was not feeling well so he couldnt lift much so I did alot and of course hurt my back from it! That plus the shovelling and I am sore and tired! Then to top it off, Steve lost my bank card and I had no money on me it was all in the bank!!!
So needless to say I am ready to have a good night sleep. Although we also discovered the heater in our bedroom does not work so it will be a cold night sleep!!
I am scared and excited to begin another chapter and move on in our lives. I really want to keep things stable and try and do as well as I have been.
I actually timed the drive from the new house to the hospital tonight. It is only 3 minutes away and that was with two red lights!!! That eases my mind alot because we were 20 minutes or more away.
So that is one huge plus! No bring on Spring!
It was a rough move. They messed up where we were suppose to pick up the truck and then it took well over an hour just to shovel the driveway at the new place so we could get the truck in.
Then my Step-father who was really the only one we had helping us move was not feeling well so he couldnt lift much so I did alot and of course hurt my back from it! That plus the shovelling and I am sore and tired! Then to top it off, Steve lost my bank card and I had no money on me it was all in the bank!!!
So needless to say I am ready to have a good night sleep. Although we also discovered the heater in our bedroom does not work so it will be a cold night sleep!!
I am scared and excited to begin another chapter and move on in our lives. I really want to keep things stable and try and do as well as I have been.
I actually timed the drive from the new house to the hospital tonight. It is only 3 minutes away and that was with two red lights!!! That eases my mind alot because we were 20 minutes or more away.
So that is one huge plus! No bring on Spring!
Friday, February 1, 2008
Our last night before the big move
It is bittersweet really. 8 months living with my parents. Severe Post Partum depression, major anixety and panic attacks and some health problems and we are finally ready to move out and on.
The weather couldnt be more horrible here. Major snow and ice pellets so we have been stuck in doors all day. Which of course makes my anxiety level alittle higher. I went out and shovelled though and that seemed to keep some of the anxiety away.
Tomorrow we gather up the rest of our stuff and officially move in our new house. It will be strange at first because we have become so accustomed to living here. I am hoping that the kids all deal with the change okay because I am never really good with change.
Thankfully Steve is off all weekend and then starts days on Monday so I wont be alone in the night for a week or more.
I have had pain in my right side today which of course makes my health anxiety start up. I always think its my pancreas again or my liver. I am trying my hardest to ignore it and look at the fact that if I could go outside and shovel heavy snow then I must be ok.
Anyhow, we shouldnt be without the internet at all for the move so that is one major plus.
Wish us luck and a clear day for tomorrow!!!
The weather couldnt be more horrible here. Major snow and ice pellets so we have been stuck in doors all day. Which of course makes my anxiety level alittle higher. I went out and shovelled though and that seemed to keep some of the anxiety away.
Tomorrow we gather up the rest of our stuff and officially move in our new house. It will be strange at first because we have become so accustomed to living here. I am hoping that the kids all deal with the change okay because I am never really good with change.
Thankfully Steve is off all weekend and then starts days on Monday so I wont be alone in the night for a week or more.
I have had pain in my right side today which of course makes my health anxiety start up. I always think its my pancreas again or my liver. I am trying my hardest to ignore it and look at the fact that if I could go outside and shovel heavy snow then I must be ok.
Anyhow, we shouldnt be without the internet at all for the move so that is one major plus.
Wish us luck and a clear day for tomorrow!!!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Trying to keep it under control
Well the move is on. We have been moving stuff to the new place and trying to set things up all week. It has been really hard because the kids really dont let usdo much without crying or needing our full attention. Between the move and Steve being back on nights and a snow storm coming tomorrow I am feeling alittle overwhelmed.
The baby didnt sleep hardly at all last night and is miserable so I am also tired and cranky. I cut my finger with a knife so I had to have a tetanus shot yesterday so now both my hand and my arm hurt! When I woke up everything hurt. My stomach, back, everything! That of course made me slightly anxious. Plus with the baby being miserable I am trying really hard to keep her quiet so Steve can sleep but its hard! Its not a quiet house with a 22 mnth and an 8 mnth old!
I am pretty proud of myself to be pulling through everything but still worried that it is going to become to overwhelming. The good thing is Steve works tonight but then is off for the weekend so only one more night with very little sleep and worrying about being alone.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that the snow storm tomorrow wont be as bad as they predict because it is going to make a heck of a mess to try and move in! And we have to truck reserved so we have no choice!!!!
Anyhow, thats my rambling for the day. I am sure there will be more later but hopefully I can keep things under control! Wish me luck!
The baby didnt sleep hardly at all last night and is miserable so I am also tired and cranky. I cut my finger with a knife so I had to have a tetanus shot yesterday so now both my hand and my arm hurt! When I woke up everything hurt. My stomach, back, everything! That of course made me slightly anxious. Plus with the baby being miserable I am trying really hard to keep her quiet so Steve can sleep but its hard! Its not a quiet house with a 22 mnth and an 8 mnth old!
I am pretty proud of myself to be pulling through everything but still worried that it is going to become to overwhelming. The good thing is Steve works tonight but then is off for the weekend so only one more night with very little sleep and worrying about being alone.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that the snow storm tomorrow wont be as bad as they predict because it is going to make a heck of a mess to try and move in! And we have to truck reserved so we have no choice!!!!
Anyhow, thats my rambling for the day. I am sure there will be more later but hopefully I can keep things under control! Wish me luck!
Sunday, January 27, 2008
I DID IT!!!
Okay so maybe I didnt get my wisdom teeth out on Tuesday (which turned out to be a good thing because that day I ended up with a horrible cold so I wouldve been miserable!!!)
But this weekend Steve went back to work and I have been ok!!!! Its the first time in 8 months that I have been alone with the kids in the evening and overnight. I did it! I am so happy! My anxiety is usually the worst in the evening and Steve helps calm me down so I was really worried how I would cope with him being gone all evening and all night but I did great!! He is on his third twelve hour shift!
We have the keys to our new place as well. We have started moving things in and unpacking. We are moving in officially on Saturday. So lots of things happening!
I also joined a gym. When I move I wont have the treadmill anymore and since it helps so much I thought I better keep at it, so I got myself a membership. I havent went yet since Steve has worked all weekend but I am looking forward to it!
But this weekend Steve went back to work and I have been ok!!!! Its the first time in 8 months that I have been alone with the kids in the evening and overnight. I did it! I am so happy! My anxiety is usually the worst in the evening and Steve helps calm me down so I was really worried how I would cope with him being gone all evening and all night but I did great!! He is on his third twelve hour shift!
We have the keys to our new place as well. We have started moving things in and unpacking. We are moving in officially on Saturday. So lots of things happening!
I also joined a gym. When I move I wont have the treadmill anymore and since it helps so much I thought I better keep at it, so I got myself a membership. I havent went yet since Steve has worked all weekend but I am looking forward to it!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
I didnt do it :(
Well last night after much thinking I called and cancelled my appt to have my wisdom teeth taken out. I have come so far in the past week that I was scared to fall back again. I have so much coming up with Steve going back to work and us moving very soon that I didnt think taking anything else on was a good idea. Plus the thought of not being able to do my treadmill workouts scared me! It helps so much with the anxiety that 5 days without would be awful!
So when things calm down in my life I am going to reschedule.
The good part is I dont feel like I failed, I feel like I made the decision that was right for me and my progress.
Other than that, we had tons of snow today. I need spring, I am so tired of the scary winter driving. Too many people in accidents and it scares me taking the kids out in it.
So when things calm down in my life I am going to reschedule.
The good part is I dont feel like I failed, I feel like I made the decision that was right for me and my progress.
Other than that, we had tons of snow today. I need spring, I am so tired of the scary winter driving. Too many people in accidents and it scares me taking the kids out in it.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Weekend over already!
I swear whenever there is something I am NOT looking forward to the time flies!
The weekend has been ok. Last night and again this evening I am having the low pulse and ear noise. It drives me crazy!
I did another 2 miles on the treadmill even though I was tired and not really in the mood. I just want to start to feel better. Healthy and happy would be great! ut I will take whatever I can get.
So close to wisdom teeth day. I have to admit I am alittle scared and defintely not looking forward to it. I imagine my post tomorrow night will be full of anxiety!
It is also getting close to the time for us to move. I am excited and nervous. One step at a time, I try to keep reminding myself.
I have really gotten into my Jon Kabat Zinn books and CD's I truly believe it is what I am reading that is helping alot.
The weekend has been ok. Last night and again this evening I am having the low pulse and ear noise. It drives me crazy!
I did another 2 miles on the treadmill even though I was tired and not really in the mood. I just want to start to feel better. Healthy and happy would be great! ut I will take whatever I can get.
So close to wisdom teeth day. I have to admit I am alittle scared and defintely not looking forward to it. I imagine my post tomorrow night will be full of anxiety!
It is also getting close to the time for us to move. I am excited and nervous. One step at a time, I try to keep reminding myself.
I have really gotten into my Jon Kabat Zinn books and CD's I truly believe it is what I am reading that is helping alot.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Good Days and Bad Days
I have to learn that I will have both. Last night I wasnt feeling real well. My pulse rate was low and I had that horrible low buzz in my ears. Of course it makes me anxious.
I saw my therapist on thursday and she thinks that I am doing much better than when I last saw here in December. I really like going there but sometimes reliving the past isnt always a good thing.
I did 2 miles on the treadmill today!!! I was so proud of myself. I was tired and sweaty but it is so worth it. I know it helps with my anxiety.
Right now I am trying not to focus on my pulse rate as I know it is low again but I was ok last night so I will be fine tonight.
I am trying hard to keep up with the midfulness, but at times it gets really hard. I know it has changed my life and way of thinking though.
I swear Jon-Kabat Zinn is a genuis. If I could go to his stress reduction clinic or attend a meditation with him I would be in my glory!
The countdown to the wisdom teeth removal is on! Only three days to go! I will admit I am NOT looking forward to it at all!
I saw my therapist on thursday and she thinks that I am doing much better than when I last saw here in December. I really like going there but sometimes reliving the past isnt always a good thing.
I did 2 miles on the treadmill today!!! I was so proud of myself. I was tired and sweaty but it is so worth it. I know it helps with my anxiety.
Right now I am trying not to focus on my pulse rate as I know it is low again but I was ok last night so I will be fine tonight.
I am trying hard to keep up with the midfulness, but at times it gets really hard. I know it has changed my life and way of thinking though.
I swear Jon-Kabat Zinn is a genuis. If I could go to his stress reduction clinic or attend a meditation with him I would be in my glory!
The countdown to the wisdom teeth removal is on! Only three days to go! I will admit I am NOT looking forward to it at all!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
OH NO!!
So today was interesting. Started out at the oral surgeon. I have to go in on Tuesday and have surgery to have three wisdom teeth out. One is deeply imbedded in the bone so it will be painful! Thank goodness I will be out for it.
Then I go to the doctor and get told I have to have a Barium Enema! YIKES I dont fully know what it is but it sounds unpleasant!
So all in all an interesting day thats for sure, my anxiety hasnt been to bad today which is a nice change. I have been super busy so that is probably why. I am going to hit the treadmill soon I think and help keep the anxiety at bay.
Then I go to the doctor and get told I have to have a Barium Enema! YIKES I dont fully know what it is but it sounds unpleasant!
So all in all an interesting day thats for sure, my anxiety hasnt been to bad today which is a nice change. I have been super busy so that is probably why. I am going to hit the treadmill soon I think and help keep the anxiety at bay.
Monday, January 14, 2008
The panic sets in
I have been ok for most of the day but I tried to only take half of my blood pressure pill today and my BP went up to 125/80. I know that isnt really too bad but when you are use to seeing 105/65 it is scary. So I have been sitting with the BP cuff attached to my arm for an hour or better. I just want things to go back to how they were. No meds, normal blood pressure and no anxiety!!!
I am feeling so unhappy and frustrated!!!!
I am feeling so unhappy and frustrated!!!!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
We have a home!
Well we found a place to rent!!! It is half a house and absolutely perfect for us! I am so happy!
So that is one huge thing off my mind for now!
I have been feeling good and bad. My pulse rate still seems to get low in the evening and I feel alittle off. I tend to worry about it so that just intensifies everything.
I keep telling myself that I am going to through my blood pressure monitor away but for now and while I am trying to stop my BP meds I am going to keep it around. It will be a huge day in my life when I actually put it away though.
Steve has to go back to work soon and that is a huge worry for me. He has been off for 7 months now with me and I know I can cope without him but I am still worried about having attacks while he is at work and I am alone with the kids.
If anyone out there with kids experience panic around them can you offer any workds of advice?
My 10 yr old has been having panic lately as well. Hers is more related to ghosts and such but i can defintely see myself in her and it scares me. The first panic attack she had I had her in counselling the next day. I always wonder if I had gotten the help I needed right away when I was younger if things would be different now.
Oh well, need to live in the now and no the past!
I am really wanting to start taking yoga classes and I am going to see if we can work it into our budget somehow. I think it will really help me out alot.
Anyhow, time for bed for the kiddos!
So that is one huge thing off my mind for now!
I have been feeling good and bad. My pulse rate still seems to get low in the evening and I feel alittle off. I tend to worry about it so that just intensifies everything.
I keep telling myself that I am going to through my blood pressure monitor away but for now and while I am trying to stop my BP meds I am going to keep it around. It will be a huge day in my life when I actually put it away though.
Steve has to go back to work soon and that is a huge worry for me. He has been off for 7 months now with me and I know I can cope without him but I am still worried about having attacks while he is at work and I am alone with the kids.
If anyone out there with kids experience panic around them can you offer any workds of advice?
My 10 yr old has been having panic lately as well. Hers is more related to ghosts and such but i can defintely see myself in her and it scares me. The first panic attack she had I had her in counselling the next day. I always wonder if I had gotten the help I needed right away when I was younger if things would be different now.
Oh well, need to live in the now and no the past!
I am really wanting to start taking yoga classes and I am going to see if we can work it into our budget somehow. I think it will really help me out alot.
Anyhow, time for bed for the kiddos!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Well its my first blog!! I have joined the real world!
I decided to start a blog after fellow anxiety sufferers and group members I know did and it seems to help them. So this is basicaly a daily look inside my "hell" as I like to call it!
Today hasnt been to bad of a day really. I have been slightly anxious but have managed to survive on .5 of Ativan only!
I also cut out on of my blood pressure pills because I think they tend to make me feel crappy so I end up more anxious in the long run.
We have been searching like crazy for a new place to live. Well we have an apartment already to move into but it is in Port Hope and I have since decided I dont think I can leave this area or take my oldest daughter from her friends, activities etc. So the search is on! We have seen some nice places its just a matter of being accepted into one.
Fingers crossed!!!!!
It will defintely help my anxiety once we find a place.
I have also been doing some research into hypnosis for my panic and anxiety. It sounds very promising but very expensive. So I have to make a decision there.
Anywoo, not bad for a first admission.
Today hasnt been to bad of a day really. I have been slightly anxious but have managed to survive on .5 of Ativan only!
I also cut out on of my blood pressure pills because I think they tend to make me feel crappy so I end up more anxious in the long run.
We have been searching like crazy for a new place to live. Well we have an apartment already to move into but it is in Port Hope and I have since decided I dont think I can leave this area or take my oldest daughter from her friends, activities etc. So the search is on! We have seen some nice places its just a matter of being accepted into one.
Fingers crossed!!!!!
It will defintely help my anxiety once we find a place.
I have also been doing some research into hypnosis for my panic and anxiety. It sounds very promising but very expensive. So I have to make a decision there.
Anywoo, not bad for a first admission.
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