Back on track

Things are getting back on track!!!
I am back at the gym and loving every second. We take the kids swimming every day for atleast 2 hours and its so good for all of us. It tires them out and helps them sleep better and it is a really fun family thing. Then Steve and I head back to the gym around 8-10pm and work our butts off. I am actually sleeping better at night than i have in years. I feel strong and healthier.

I got the results of the ultrasound on my legs and it was 100% negative for any DVT's in my legs!!! YAY

I have also completely weaned off one med, and am working slowly on another and then one more after that. The gym keeps my anxiety in check so well.

So I am due to try yet again to have my wisdom teeth out on the 9th. Truth be told I am petrified. Not about pain or any of that but about being in the "twlight" state. Whenever I have used gas before I panic. I do not like the feeling at all and I start to freak out. They use gas and then something in an IV that doesnt put you fully out. I am sooo scared to feel that way. Steve had his done and I saw how he was and he was soooo dopey and almost high and I HATE that. I just need to realize that I have been through alot worse and get it over with,

Then I have an MRI at the end of Feb. I am not really too nervous about it. I hope that it turns out my twitches and super reflexes are just benign. My hand tremors are getting alittle worse but they say it will happen with age. Oh the joys of aging!!! LOL

Then my foot surgery is on March 4th. Not worried about the surgery, alittle worried about the pain because the last time I had surgery on it I woke up in alot of pain and the surgery wasnt as extensive as this one. I have  already talked to the personal trainers at the gym and we are working out a plan so I can still use almost all of the equipment, or atleast waist and up!! LOL They have hand pedal bikes for the cardio and since it is a boot cast I can take it off and swim once the stitches are out.

After sugery thats it!!! I am done., no more docs, surgeries, or anything! DONE!!! LOL
It is no fun having a hysterectomy and foot surgery in 5 mnths. I am getting my abdominals in so much better shape since my hysterectomy though and for the first time in years my iron levels are normal. So it was a good idea to have it. It is still hard to read about people TTC'ing and having babies but I have three gorgeous babies and that is nothing to be upset about. They are my everything.

Well 2010 so far.................

I had a good Christmas with my husband and children but had a huge falling out on Christmas day with my mom and her husband. It got nasty. I spent the day in tears. Same with the New Year. I have been trying to wean off ativan for quite awhile but when I get down to one pill I start having horrible twitches. I have them right now and its keeping me up despite anxiety and sleeping meds. It scares me, I am waiting on an MRI but it will be 1-2 mnths. I was looking forward to starting the New Year getting back to the gym as it helps relieve the anxiety but I bent over to pick something up one evening and had a horrid pain. Couldnt even walk. So after testing it seems as though I have a herniated disk in my back :( So no gym for me yet. Still very paanoid abot blood clots, its my health anxiety obsession at the moment. I check the pulses in my legs and feet several times a day, measure each leg too see if one is at all swollen. I have been to the ER 3 times now and they say I am ok. Then to top off my anxiety a person from when I went to highschool and is 2 mnths younger than me died last week suddenly from a clot that went to his lung. So now my anxiety is much worse. I just want one day where I feel healthy and don worry. Just one and then maybe I can be more positive or atleast less scared

Horrible day, HUGE setback :(

I started having chest pains before heading to bed around 4am, I tossed and turned until 11am and got up and went to the ER. They hooked me up to the monitors and ran tests, while waiting for the tests to come back, I lost it. I was shaking and pinching myself to try and distract myself, I was having panic unlike anything I have had in years. I was sure something was wrong, that the blood clot test would show I had one in my lung or that my cardiac enzymes would show damage to my heart. I was sooooooo scared, 2 Klonopin never touched the anxiety. All the tests came back perfect. Yet I am terrified to go to sleep now. I am scared the pains will come back. I have failed and broken again :(   I am so sad, confused and feeling so alone.

And that was a huge waste of time

After all the research I did looking at different medications as an option and everything that I spent my time on to talk to my doctor about he ignored it all! He gave me a script for seroquel!!! Which #1 is for Bipolar and schizo and I have anxiety and panic and #2 one of the side effects is weight gain which he knows I have huge issues with. I struggled most of my teens and early 20's with a bad eating disorder. I do not handle gaining any weight easily. So I am back to square one. No help with the sleep or the meds or anything. He did nothing but completely upset me. He claimed I was OCD'ing about everything. I said I just wanted some answers. I am on two benzo's that are no longer helping and since he has me on them long term, either raise the dose or figure something out. So his way is adding yet more meds. I mean, I am on Paxil, Propanolol, Klonopin, Ativan and he wants to add Seroquel? I have kids, I need to be able to function during the day. It causes major tiredness which would be good if it just lasted for bedtime not all day.
I was so worked up from my appt that I came home and fell asleep on the couch for a few hours so my changes of sleeping tonight are even less. Its 2:30 am already. I dont know what to do. Cant get another doctor till he retires in June, cant see a specialist because I am not considered Bad enough. They only take the people that are at the ER every day or getting arrested. So he has helped me get hooked on 2 benzos been on them almost 3 years, the Paxil 13 years and the Propanolol a year. He admits that the chances the Paxil is helping me since I have been on the max dose for many many years are slim. Basically I take it to avoid withdrawals. Same with the Ativan and Klonopin. They dont work anymore, but in order not to have withdrawals I have to keep them in my system. Fun stuff! I had him check my liver function today to make sure these meds are atleast not doing any damage. I dont know. I feel even more lost now. I guess the goal is to deal with things the best I can till June when he retires and get a real doctor I can trust. Since its the Christmas season and winter it will be tough but I am determined to fight this stupid demon and if I have to do it on my own so be it.

I am going in armed and ready for answers!!!!!

I see my regular family doctor tomorrow. I never enjoy this as he almost makes me feel like a bother and has gotten me pretty messed up in the medication department. He is retiring in June and I have decided that I am not going to allow him to leave me with the mess he has created with my meds.
I did a ton of research tonight on different medications and options. There was one medication that I was on previously gabapentin and it was working not too bad but my drug plan did not pay for it and I could not longer afford it. So I have done more reading and there is a newer better version of it called pregabalin. I am not sure whether or not it is covered or not but after doing much research I have come across forms my doctor can fill out to the Ministry of Health to request that the drug be covered. So I am printing the forms out and bringing them along with all the research I have done. Since I take 2 benzos that I have built up a tolerance for an no longer sleep I know that I have to do something and since he is my doctor I am damn well going to make him accountable and let him know that it is his primary responsibility to help me get on the right meds. Since I have tried almost every med out there I dont think the Ministry will deny our request for the drug. It is normally used for nerve pain but has shown alot of promising things for anxiety and insomnia with little to no interactions or side effects.
So beyond that I am demanding that he test my adrenals. My surgeon mentioned that it was something my doctor should have checked long ago but he hasnt and he keeps putting me off. Well no more. Tomorrow he will be giving me the req for the test. Its my health, and I am not going to let him think that its ok to make me feel small because I have health anxiety. I have legitimate reasons to see him just like everyone else.
Ugh enough talk about him. My 6 week appt went great, I got the ok for the gym!!! and for sex. However I must admit I am BEYOND terrified about the sex. I mean I just had stitches holding things closed. I have read some horrible stories and I am just plain scared. Thankfully my husband respects that to a degree. I know I have to smarten up and not wait forever. I cannot believe it has been 6 weeks since my surgery. What a blur. Since the anxiety came back so full force it makes for days that just blend into one another. Wake up, eat, sleep. I need to break out of the rut and the first step is getting some sleep. Its now 2:30 am so looks like a good time to start!

Finally the 6 weeks post op mark

My appt is in just over an hour. I had maybe 2 hours of sleep. It is going to be a long day. I will admit I am not looking  forward to starting it by being examined down below but what has to be done does I guess. I am worried the lack of sleep might cause some anxiety today so I may have a nap when I come home. I see my regular doctor tomorrow regarding the insomnia and I need to discuss all these meds I am on that do not work anymore. To take 2 tablets of 2 different benzo's plus a beta blocker and my paxil and not even feel the slightest bit tired when it use to knock me right out tells me that I have built up a complete tolerance. Up'ing the dose I dont think is our best option but stopping them scares me even more. I guess we will see.

Where is my one step forward

I know where my two steps back are. But would love to have that one step forward.
Today didnt start out to bad but an hour ago I started feeling dizzy and just unwell and I took my blood pressure which was 138/83 so way up from my normal reading. That typically set me off into a panic. I dont know what triggered things. I am not sure if the dizziness was actually the start of an attack or if it was something else and it just set the rest off, I took many more BP reading typically. It has come down some which is good. I had to take a klonopin because I was just starting to peak way too much,
I am so angry though. It seems like I cannot get a grip on this at all. Before it was more actual events or health type things that set me off and now it seems like they just come out of the blue. I dont want to go back there. It was hell. Ever since surgery it seems I have no control on this at all. Like it has just thrown everything off. I see my surgeon on Thursday and I PRAY that it is not the last time, I hope he agrees to see me a few more times. Then I see my regular doc on Friday. But that will be a waste of time as per usual. But atleast I will get my med refills.
So here I sit, frustrated and angry, slightly panicked, anxious and worn out. I want to be the healthy 33 yr old that I think I am. That I know somewhere inside I am. But all the books and sites and doctors and meds in the world just cant get me there. I know its me, I have to do it. But I dont know how to start. I try and then I have a setback so I assume its not working. I have decided to give my anxiety a face, monster like, and a name. I have written down that I want him to go away and never come back. It feels alittle silly but after 18 years, I NEED and WANT my life back. I want to live each day and not live each day thinking I am dying.
Enjoy my kids, my husband, learn to love myself.  But I feel like a small pebble lost amongst huge boulders,