Slowly getting there

Well I have increased my meds, seen my doctor a few times and am slowly getting there. I had a scare last week with pain and bleeding and ended up spending the night in the ER. I found out my platelet levels were up which to me sent me into a frenzy, I started taking baby aspirin right away worried my blood was to thick. I had 4 doctors tell me that it is normal after surgery but I was just not hearing it.

I had blood work today to see if the number is down and I am praying that it is. There have been some tragedies lately that have made me wonder and question why I am living like I do. Someone close lost their 3 mnth old niece to SIDS. I cannot fathom the pain that family must be going through. Also there is a huge outbreak of the swine flu and a perfectly healthy 13 yr old boy died. I am terrified for my kids and wish I could keep my daughter home from school and keep us all locked up and safe from the germs!!!

The worst part is my husbands grandmother was diagnosed today with lung cancer. We saw her the weekend before thanksgiving and we questioned each other about her health and felt that something didnt seem right. My mother saw a picture of her and also said she didnt look well at all and looked like she had cancer. Sure enough the day of my surgery she was admitted to the hospital with fluid on her lungs and they found a spot on her lungs. It is in her lymph nodes and they said chemo just is not an option. So it looks like possible radiation which we dont know if she would really survive, and she goes back in two weeks to basically be given a "time line" We want to all get and stay healthy so we can go see her as much as possible as we know that this isnt a good thing.

So after all these things happening it makes me wonder why I focus my day to day on things I cannot control. If something is going to happen its going to happen. All I can do is live the best I can and enjoy my life and family day to day. I am wasting my life worrying about things beyond my control. Now if I could just believe and follow that, maybe I will get somewhere.

Its been a long time!!!!

Yet I wish I wasnt having to type this! My anxiety has returned 10X stronger :(

I had a hysterectomy on the 8th of October and I have been a disaster since. I am soooooo upset that my blood pressure has risen from the nice good # I had come to love. I was comfortable, not on meds, and not anxious!!!! Well worrying about complications and the surgery itself has driven me to the brink again. I spend hours looking up info on abscesses, clots, high blood pressure, why my BP is higher in one arm than the other, and the list goes on. I have had to up my anxiety meds and a BP med but one that is suppose to help with anxiety more so than BP. I NEED to see my normal BP again, I need to be recovered and not have complications on my mind 24/7. I dont know how to get back to being that peaceful somewhat calm person I was a month ago. I was going to the gym and it helped me alot. Having to sit around waiting to recover is making things worse. I have no outlet, I am bored and stir crazy and SCARED. The kids and Steve are not home most of the day so I sleep because I hate feeling so alone.

I feel alone, lost, scared and so many more emotions, I kept my ovaries with the surgery which I am super grateful for but yet I still wonder if my hormones are alittle messed up from the surgery and increasing the anxiety as well. I miss having others that feel the same to chat with. I need someone who understands and just doesnt brush me off and tell me not to worry.

Top things off, everyone is sick. No one at home so far, knock on wood. But there are so many at school and friends of my daughter that are sick with things constantly. I hate this time of the year and it seems like this is going to be a bad year for the colds etc. Too much to worry about, I want to just go back to the summer on the beach and loving life and the fun and no worries!!!!!!!!!