Started off the day tired. Very Very tired. Not sure if its because Rae was up quite a bit coughing or what it was but I had zero motivation. Fed the kids, played with them, fed them again and poor Rae was falling asleep in her highchair. So put them down for their naps. I doubted that I would be able to get on the bike for long because I was so wiped out but I did 32 kms and was on 45+ minutes, then I did a stability ball workout so I was quite impressed. Actually feeling alittle less tired as well. Checked my BP about 4 times so far today. Not good, not bad. Its far from the one time that I am suppose to check it. Still 5 more hours till Steve gets home and I hate that. Thankfully tomorrow with having to go to Kingston I will be so busy that HOPEFULLY the time will fly. The worst part is the drive. I get really really tired and have troubles staying awake. So need to get my butt in bed at a normal time tonight.
So not much to report so far, borderline on the anxiety, hasnt built up so hopefully it wont!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
Good and Bad day
I worked out hard for 45 minutes today and then went for a walk with the family. My anxiety has been up more than it has been today. I am unhappy with my blood pressure numbers and feel like the harder I try to keep them down by eating right, exercise etc the less it is helping. I know Steve is younger but when he gets such good BP #'s and eats a ton of salt and doesnt exercise etc it actually bothers me. Why do I have to fight so hard just to keep it barely below high. I hate it! I feel cheated somehow.
Steve starts 12's tomorrow so he will be gone for 14 hours a day now. That sucks big time. He wont even see the kids. That is part of my anxiety. I hated it when he was on 10's. This sucks so much more. But its life and I need to suck it up and deal with it. I am interested to hear what Dr.M has to say about me lowering my Paxil on Wednesday. I dont think he can say much when it was causing such serious side effects! Hmmm stay on a high dose and kill myself or go back down and figure something else out! No brainer there. I had phychiatrists. I really do. I spend an hour spilling my every fear and he says nothing. All he does is tell me to try not to take my blood pressure so much and gives me a script that nearly killed me. Gee thanks a ton! Glad I drove over an hour for that. I am so looking forward to Wednesday :( Maybe he will actually listen and realize that we are not getting anywhere. Who knows. One can hope right!!!!
Anyhow its late and I should be laying next to Steve since our time is going to be very limited together this week. Hopefully today is a brighter day.
Steve starts 12's tomorrow so he will be gone for 14 hours a day now. That sucks big time. He wont even see the kids. That is part of my anxiety. I hated it when he was on 10's. This sucks so much more. But its life and I need to suck it up and deal with it. I am interested to hear what Dr.M has to say about me lowering my Paxil on Wednesday. I dont think he can say much when it was causing such serious side effects! Hmmm stay on a high dose and kill myself or go back down and figure something else out! No brainer there. I had phychiatrists. I really do. I spend an hour spilling my every fear and he says nothing. All he does is tell me to try not to take my blood pressure so much and gives me a script that nearly killed me. Gee thanks a ton! Glad I drove over an hour for that. I am so looking forward to Wednesday :( Maybe he will actually listen and realize that we are not getting anywhere. Who knows. One can hope right!!!!
Anyhow its late and I should be laying next to Steve since our time is going to be very limited together this week. Hopefully today is a brighter day.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Its been awhile!
Wow it has been months since I have posted. I am not really sure why. I guess if I dont write about it maybe it isnt real?
I am actually over a month free of blood pressure medication!! It is a miracle. I do tend to have days when it is not what I would like it to be and it sets off my anxiety pretty badly but I get through them which is what is truly important.
I have had several ups and downs since I last wrote. My husband has started a new job that takes him away for 14+ hours a day which is a huge change from having him home with me for 9 mnths straight. I have been coping pretty well with it though.
My biggest fall back of course is still the blood pressure and the constant checking and the insane fear that it will get high again. I get very upset because I am doing everything I can to keep it low and when it goes up I feel like I am failing.
Exercise has become a very positive thing in my daily life. I feel really good after a good workout and I think it keeps the anxiety in check.
I am also starting to see a relation to my hormones and the anxiety, it seems the same days each month I have very bad days. I have talked to my doctor and we are trying a vitamin first and then possibly birth control that helps to regulate hormones. I am not really keen on that idea but we will see,
I FINALLY got my doctor to send me to a phychiatrist. I have to drive over an hour but its about time. Of course he did what I thought and raised my paxil to a high dose. It was a horrible experience. I began having night terrors and having constant suicidal thoughts and felt like I was truly going crazy. So I am back down to my normal dose. I am not sure what the next step is. I think he wants to send me to an OCD clinic out of town. But it is a short inpatient thing and with two young kids it may be very difficult to do.
Either way, I am here, getting through things one day at a time, one step at a time. Trying to keep the demon at bay. It has almost been a year since my daughter was born and I had the horrible blood pressure experience so hopefully each day it gets further away it will leave my mind. I guess I can hope.
I am actually over a month free of blood pressure medication!! It is a miracle. I do tend to have days when it is not what I would like it to be and it sets off my anxiety pretty badly but I get through them which is what is truly important.
I have had several ups and downs since I last wrote. My husband has started a new job that takes him away for 14+ hours a day which is a huge change from having him home with me for 9 mnths straight. I have been coping pretty well with it though.
My biggest fall back of course is still the blood pressure and the constant checking and the insane fear that it will get high again. I get very upset because I am doing everything I can to keep it low and when it goes up I feel like I am failing.
Exercise has become a very positive thing in my daily life. I feel really good after a good workout and I think it keeps the anxiety in check.
I am also starting to see a relation to my hormones and the anxiety, it seems the same days each month I have very bad days. I have talked to my doctor and we are trying a vitamin first and then possibly birth control that helps to regulate hormones. I am not really keen on that idea but we will see,
I FINALLY got my doctor to send me to a phychiatrist. I have to drive over an hour but its about time. Of course he did what I thought and raised my paxil to a high dose. It was a horrible experience. I began having night terrors and having constant suicidal thoughts and felt like I was truly going crazy. So I am back down to my normal dose. I am not sure what the next step is. I think he wants to send me to an OCD clinic out of town. But it is a short inpatient thing and with two young kids it may be very difficult to do.
Either way, I am here, getting through things one day at a time, one step at a time. Trying to keep the demon at bay. It has almost been a year since my daughter was born and I had the horrible blood pressure experience so hopefully each day it gets further away it will leave my mind. I guess I can hope.
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