Trying to keep it under control

Well the move is on. We have been moving stuff to the new place and trying to set things up all week. It has been really hard because the kids really dont let usdo much without crying or needing our full attention. Between the move and Steve being back on nights and a snow storm coming tomorrow I am feeling alittle overwhelmed.
The baby didnt sleep hardly at all last night and is miserable so I am also tired and cranky. I cut my finger with a knife so I had to have a tetanus shot yesterday so now both my hand and my arm hurt! When I woke up everything hurt. My stomach, back, everything! That of course made me slightly anxious. Plus with the baby being miserable I am trying really hard to keep her quiet so Steve can sleep but its hard! Its not a quiet house with a 22 mnth and an 8 mnth old!
I am pretty proud of myself to be pulling through everything but still worried that it is going to become to overwhelming. The good thing is Steve works tonight but then is off for the weekend so only one more night with very little sleep and worrying about being alone.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that the snow storm tomorrow wont be as bad as they predict because it is going to make a heck of a mess to try and move in! And we have to truck reserved so we have no choice!!!!
Anyhow, thats my rambling for the day. I am sure there will be more later but hopefully I can keep things under control! Wish me luck!

I DID IT!!!

Okay so maybe I didnt get my wisdom teeth out on Tuesday (which turned out to be a good thing because that day I ended up with a horrible cold so I wouldve been miserable!!!)

But this weekend Steve went back to work and I have been ok!!!! Its the first time in 8 months that I have been alone with the kids in the evening and overnight. I did it! I am so happy! My anxiety is usually the worst in the evening and Steve helps calm me down so I was really worried how I would cope with him being gone all evening and all night but I did great!! He is on his third twelve hour shift!

We have the keys to our new place as well. We have started moving things in and unpacking. We are moving in officially on Saturday. So lots of things happening!
I also joined a gym. When I move I wont have the treadmill anymore and since it helps so much I thought I better keep at it, so I got myself a membership. I havent went yet since Steve has worked all weekend but I am looking forward to it!

I didnt do it :(

Well last night after much thinking I called and cancelled my appt to have my wisdom teeth taken out. I have come so far in the past week that I was scared to fall back again. I have so much coming up with Steve going back to work and us moving very soon that I didnt think taking anything else on was a good idea. Plus the thought of not being able to do my treadmill workouts scared me! It helps so much with the anxiety that 5 days without would be awful!
So when things calm down in my life I am going to reschedule.
The good part is I dont feel like I failed, I feel like I made the decision that was right for me and my progress.
Other than that, we had tons of snow today. I need spring, I am so tired of the scary winter driving. Too many people in accidents and it scares me taking the kids out in it.

Weekend over already!

I swear whenever there is something I am NOT looking forward to the time flies!
The weekend has been ok. Last night and again this evening I am having the low pulse and ear noise. It drives me crazy!
I did another 2 miles on the treadmill even though I was tired and not really in the mood. I just want to start to feel better. Healthy and happy would be great! ut I will take whatever I can get.
So close to wisdom teeth day. I have to admit I am alittle scared and defintely not looking forward to it. I imagine my post tomorrow night will be full of anxiety!
It is also getting close to the time for us to move. I am excited and nervous. One step at a time, I try to keep reminding myself.
I have really gotten into my Jon Kabat Zinn books and CD's I truly believe it is what I am reading that is helping alot.

Good Days and Bad Days

I have to learn that I will have both. Last night I wasnt feeling real well. My pulse rate was low and I had that horrible low buzz in my ears. Of course it makes me anxious.
I saw my therapist on thursday and she thinks that I am doing much better than when I last saw here in December. I really like going there but sometimes reliving the past isnt always a good thing.
I did 2 miles on the treadmill today!!! I was so proud of myself. I was tired and sweaty but it is so worth it. I know it helps with my anxiety.
Right now I am trying not to focus on my pulse rate as I know it is low again but I was ok last night so I will be fine tonight.
I am trying hard to keep up with the midfulness, but at times it gets really hard. I know it has changed my life and way of thinking though.
I swear Jon-Kabat Zinn is a genuis. If I could go to his stress reduction clinic or attend a meditation with him I would be in my glory!
The countdown to the wisdom teeth removal is on! Only three days to go! I will admit I am NOT looking forward to it at all!

OH NO!!

So today was interesting. Started out at the oral surgeon. I have to go in on Tuesday and have surgery to have three wisdom teeth out. One is deeply imbedded in the bone so it will be painful! Thank goodness I will be out for it.
Then I go to the doctor and get told I have to have a Barium Enema! YIKES I dont fully know what it is but it sounds unpleasant!
So all in all an interesting day thats for sure, my anxiety hasnt been to bad today which is a nice change. I have been super busy so that is probably why. I am going to hit the treadmill soon I think and help keep the anxiety at bay.

The panic sets in

I have been ok for most of the day but I tried to only take half of my blood pressure pill today and my BP went up to 125/80. I know that isnt really too bad but when you are use to seeing 105/65 it is scary. So I have been sitting with the BP cuff attached to my arm for an hour or better. I just want things to go back to how they were. No meds, normal blood pressure and no anxiety!!!
I am feeling so unhappy and frustrated!!!!

We have a home!

Well we found a place to rent!!! It is half a house and absolutely perfect for us! I am so happy!
So that is one huge thing off my mind for now!
I have been feeling good and bad. My pulse rate still seems to get low in the evening and I feel alittle off. I tend to worry about it so that just intensifies everything.
I keep telling myself that I am going to through my blood pressure monitor away but for now and while I am trying to stop my BP meds I am going to keep it around. It will be a huge day in my life when I actually put it away though.
Steve has to go back to work soon and that is a huge worry for me. He has been off for 7 months now with me and I know I can cope without him but I am still worried about having attacks while he is at work and I am alone with the kids.
If anyone out there with kids experience panic around them can you offer any workds of advice?
My 10 yr old has been having panic lately as well. Hers is more related to ghosts and such but i can defintely see myself in her and it scares me. The first panic attack she had I had her in counselling the next day. I always wonder if I had gotten the help I needed right away when I was younger if things would be different now.
Oh well, need to live in the now and no the past!
I am really wanting to start taking yoga classes and I am going to see if we can work it into our budget somehow. I think it will really help me out alot.
Anyhow, time for bed for the kiddos!

Well its my first blog!! I have joined the real world!

I decided to start a blog after fellow anxiety sufferers and group members I know did and it seems to help them. So this is basicaly a daily look inside my "hell" as I like to call it!
Today hasnt been to bad of a day really. I have been slightly anxious but have managed to survive on .5 of Ativan only!
I also cut out on of my blood pressure pills because I think they tend to make me feel crappy so I end up more anxious in the long run.
We have been searching like crazy for a new place to live. Well we have an apartment already to move into but it is in Port Hope and I have since decided I dont think I can leave this area or take my oldest daughter from her friends, activities etc. So the search is on! We have seen some nice places its just a matter of being accepted into one.
Fingers crossed!!!!!
It will defintely help my anxiety once we find a place.
I have also been doing some research into hypnosis for my panic and anxiety. It sounds very promising but very expensive. So I have to make a decision there.
Anywoo, not bad for a first admission.