So not much happening in my world. Anxiety is rising still. Find myself googling alot. I had a gastroscopy the other day that I was anxious about, I triple checked with them that I would be out for it and the told me I would not remember a thing. Well they used a benzo and it didnt even touch me so I was fully awake during it. It was awful. I gagged and thought I was going to choke to death. Nothing found during it so onto yet another test. I find myself worrying about Steve going back to work or leaving to go anywhere for that matter, which is bad. I havent been that way for awhile. I think working with him was so comfortable for me as we were together 24/7 and now he could end up working anywhere and any hours.
Depressed about my stupid foot. It is so not right, the pain sucks and its not sitting right it actually overlaps my middle toe. So back to the surgeon to be sent somewhere else in hopes they can fix his screw up. I am 34 I dont think being able to walk without pain is too much to ask.
Wow this is a huge downer of a post. On the upside we are pretty much done christmas shopping. Glad to have it out of the way. Hard to believe its coming so fast.
Winter storm is due tomorrow :( yet another thing that raises me anxiety. Arghhhh

Feeling like blah....Tis the season. I have had a cold that seems to never end and again today stomach issues. I feel just overall yuck. We had family pictures taken yesterday and I am so happy with them. My oldest Madison had her second photo shoot done. She is sooo perfect and made to model I think.
I actually went on No More Panic tonight. I did not log into the forum but I did read. As well as google today. I just want to feel well, emotionally, mentally and physically. I realized today that I am basically an only child. I have no relationship with my sister or stepsister at all. I truly dont even consider myself to have a sister. She is that cruel and full of hatred I dont even want to acknowledge it. I wonder sometimes how my dad would react to her actions towards me and her own children etc.
No hits on a job for Steve or myself, it sucks....I hope it doesnt last long.

 Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself. Walter Anderson

Way too much in one day

What a day. Started off by being told that Steve and I were to work in the pouring rain and horrible amounts of mud. It was cold and awful and just plain mean. So long story short our boss sent us home.
My anxiety was up as my boss has been a huge factor in my anxiety returning. I came home had a bath and just felt awful. I have been having diarrhea all weekend and my nerves were high on the pain in my right side. So off to the ER I went. I was full of anxiety. They did bloodwork, xrays and an ultrasound. Everything came back normal. So no answers. Rest and stay stress free until my endoscopy on Dec.8th is what I am to do.
Well, stress free.......that one appears to be impossible in my world. Upon coming home I received an email from my boss and he was giving my husband and I our two week notice. RIGHT BEFORE Christmas!!!! Who does that???? So know I am completely distraught on how we are suppose to make ends meet at all, let alone have a decent Christmas for the kids. Stress free....ugh. My anxiety and depression are in full throttle. I actual am craving ativan. :(

Me again!

So dreams are dreams. Are they something we long for, something we havent dealt with, or simply a dream? Mine have been haunting. Not at all scary but painful. Recurring dreams of being pregnant. I am so happy and glowing and buying clothes and feeling the baby move and everything seems right in the world. Then I wake up. Empty, without a uterus. No chance of ever feeling a baby move again. I shake it off and go about my day, a trip to the grocery store where it seems that every woman there is pregnant. Sit down and try not to think about it and on Facebook there are the beautiful belly pics and the statuses of those happy moms to be gushing about the movements, the preparation all the wonders that goes along with pregnancy. I have three wonderful healthy children. How dare I even feel this way. I have been blessed. Then why do I go to sleep each night and have the same dreams only to wake up feeling that empty feeling over and over?
How do you deal with something like this. I cant talk to anyone about it, they all say, you have three kids, its too late now. So what to do.......suck it up I guess.

Its beginning to feel alot like Christmas

Did some shopping last night, of course spent just alittle too much so we will be tight having enough money till next pay.
I have been feeling yuck for a few days, I caught Steve's cold and have had a sore throat, fever, nasty body aches. But hoping its on its way out. The night I caught it the body aches were so bad and I felt so awful it caused anxiety. It sucked. I hate any ounce of anxiety. The same night however I found out via Facebook that my Aunt has breast cancer :( So I have been thinking alot about family.
Remembering what family was when I was growing up and what it is now. My own family is a great unit. But when I think about my mom and sister and stepsister I just cant get over how seriously messed up things are.
None of us get along at all. My own blood sister is my worst enemy, she spends her time ensuring that everyone she knows gets the impression that I am the "crazy one" I have been lucky enough to be called that since my panic attacks became aware to here. I could understand if she was truly ignorant about such illnesses but she works with challenged individuals so you would think she would have enough understanding to know a panic disorder does not warrant one being "crazy". My stepsister stopped talking to me after we went to my moms for dinner(my family) and did not invite her. ??? Makes little sense to me. Then I have my mom who plays sides with all of us. I know I am truly not someone she wants around, she made it clear last Christmas when she told me I was not the child she deserved.
Do we dwell on such things or do we just move on with our own lives and family. Ensuring our children are never made to feel as awful as our outside family has made us feel. My family was my dad, he knew unconditional love for his children as he would have for his Grandchildren, he knew many many years ago that my sister was a jealous person capable of very mean things. He was right. He knew that I would never be accepted in my moms "New" family, he was right. The wisest most caring person in my life was taken from me, and I wonder why? What did I do to deserve it? What did he do? Things happen for a reason, then I want my reason for it. Dont I atleast deserve that much

UGH!!!

So I failed at not googling :( I spent over an hour last night looking up liver, pancreas, gallbladder issues. I still have the weird "pain" that an organ is swollen or something. I thought about it off and on all day.
I also realized that I am miserable in my daily life. A place I once use to really enjoy going to each day I  dread. So much tension, disrespect and dislike for the entire aspect and atmosphere. If it was not so close to Christmas I would quit. But I need to suck it up, get presents bought and bills paid and then take another look at the situation. Its hard to be so unhappy everyday and I am sure its not helping the fact that my anxiety is rising.
I have been feeling EXTREME guilt about kicking out my niece. I know its not healthy to have her back here but its so hard to not feel awful about the whole thing.
At this point I think skipping ahead to spring would be wonderful. No darker days, snow, cold and just plain yuck. It is such a depressing time of the year. My kids are already super excited about Christmas, I feel bad because although I dont show them, inside I just hate Christmas and to me hate is a very strong word.

Well its that time of the year

Our house is now decorated for the holidays, lights are up, tree is up and the stress level rises. Ever since having children I have found that instead of it being a happy joyous time it ends up being a time of worry over money and gifts. I wish Christmas was really just about family and spending time together but we all know how commercialized it has become. The push for the best toys, best decorations, best food and more. I plan on teaching my children the true importance of it all even with all the outside influences of every.single.store, commercials and just about everything else we see on a daily basis.
So seeing the decorations remind me of how little time I have to get everything ready, and come up with the money for it all.
It was a good weekend overall, too short. My kids are slightly miserable today which makes for a very long day. Lots of tantrums and yelling from them all. My 13 yr old finds it alot of fun to torment the younger 2. I imagine we all would do the same.
I have had the full feeling under my right rib for a few days now. Hate the feeling. Almost like there is an organ in there that is too big. Trying hard to not let it absorb my mind. Mainly avoiding the dreaded google. Still havent got to the gym :( Had a bad migraine late last night that decided to hang around today as well. So the weekend in the fitness department was a bust. Boo.
Really need to start looking at my life with a positive outlook. Be happy that we are all happy, and healthy and accept what comes along, deal with it and move on. Try and go with the words "this too shall pass" which it always does. In the moment its hard to believe it will but it always does.
Feeling fat, old and blah but trying not to sink into that imagine. I have a pile of jeans I need to try on but I am not sure if I want to do it and feel horrible about my weight or not.

Its been so long!

Well its been quite the year! We are in the second week of November already. My 16 yr old niece came to live with us the beginning of February and I am sorry to say we had to ask her to leave last week :( I tried to do everything for her and help her heal her past but she just was not on track and wouldnt attempt to be. The final straw came when she stole from us and did not have any regrets.
I had my second surgery of the year recently. First one was the second attempt at a 2nd metatarsal head re-section. It failed miserably and I was in pain for months. The doctors tried to have me on slow release morphine daily but I did what I could to avoid it.
I started working as well. I had started my own cleaning business and quickly ended up with 19 clients!!! It was going very well, Steve was still in school so the extra money helped alot. One of my clients owns a very large housing company and vineyards and ended up hiring Steve full time. They asked me to help out one afternoon in the vineyard and next thing you know it became full time! I was putting in lots of time and learning quickly. I went from a pruner to vineyard manager in a mnth! Which also came with a $5 an hour raise. So I stopped cleaning for everyone but them as time didnt allow for anything. I love my job as much as I hate it at times. LOL It takes alot out of me but can be very rewarding.
So I just had my third surgery for my foot. Fingers crossed that everything works this time although I have some nights that it hurts really bad. I pray its just healing and soon enough I will be pain free.
As for the anxiety, I have to say it really was at bay for a very long time. Then with the stress of my niece and work I started to feel it come back. I found myself checking my blood pressure again and having moments of panic. I am hoping now that she is gone things will settle back down.
I am desperate to get back to working out and eating well as I have been doing very poorly at that. With working so often take out has been the easy way of eating and I am back up to 132 lbs :( I need the great feeling that comes with the exercise and proper eating again. I am waiting on a gastroscope to check things out as I have been having gallbladder pain for many months but because nothing shows on ultrasound they want to eliminate any other issues before taking it out. I figure the 2 surgeries I have had this year plus getting my wisdom teeth out(YAY ME!)  is more than enough for one year and once they get this gallbladder stuff sorted out there is nothing but smooth sailing with my health! I hope to get back to writing in here as often as I can! I have lots more to express but will save it for another post. P.S. I am officially the mom to a teen, my oldest daughter turned 13 today!!! Man I feel old!

Back on track

Things are getting back on track!!!
I am back at the gym and loving every second. We take the kids swimming every day for atleast 2 hours and its so good for all of us. It tires them out and helps them sleep better and it is a really fun family thing. Then Steve and I head back to the gym around 8-10pm and work our butts off. I am actually sleeping better at night than i have in years. I feel strong and healthier.

I got the results of the ultrasound on my legs and it was 100% negative for any DVT's in my legs!!! YAY

I have also completely weaned off one med, and am working slowly on another and then one more after that. The gym keeps my anxiety in check so well.

So I am due to try yet again to have my wisdom teeth out on the 9th. Truth be told I am petrified. Not about pain or any of that but about being in the "twlight" state. Whenever I have used gas before I panic. I do not like the feeling at all and I start to freak out. They use gas and then something in an IV that doesnt put you fully out. I am sooo scared to feel that way. Steve had his done and I saw how he was and he was soooo dopey and almost high and I HATE that. I just need to realize that I have been through alot worse and get it over with,

Then I have an MRI at the end of Feb. I am not really too nervous about it. I hope that it turns out my twitches and super reflexes are just benign. My hand tremors are getting alittle worse but they say it will happen with age. Oh the joys of aging!!! LOL

Then my foot surgery is on March 4th. Not worried about the surgery, alittle worried about the pain because the last time I had surgery on it I woke up in alot of pain and the surgery wasnt as extensive as this one. I have  already talked to the personal trainers at the gym and we are working out a plan so I can still use almost all of the equipment, or atleast waist and up!! LOL They have hand pedal bikes for the cardio and since it is a boot cast I can take it off and swim once the stitches are out.

After sugery thats it!!! I am done., no more docs, surgeries, or anything! DONE!!! LOL
It is no fun having a hysterectomy and foot surgery in 5 mnths. I am getting my abdominals in so much better shape since my hysterectomy though and for the first time in years my iron levels are normal. So it was a good idea to have it. It is still hard to read about people TTC'ing and having babies but I have three gorgeous babies and that is nothing to be upset about. They are my everything.

Well 2010 so far.................

I had a good Christmas with my husband and children but had a huge falling out on Christmas day with my mom and her husband. It got nasty. I spent the day in tears. Same with the New Year. I have been trying to wean off ativan for quite awhile but when I get down to one pill I start having horrible twitches. I have them right now and its keeping me up despite anxiety and sleeping meds. It scares me, I am waiting on an MRI but it will be 1-2 mnths. I was looking forward to starting the New Year getting back to the gym as it helps relieve the anxiety but I bent over to pick something up one evening and had a horrid pain. Couldnt even walk. So after testing it seems as though I have a herniated disk in my back :( So no gym for me yet. Still very paanoid abot blood clots, its my health anxiety obsession at the moment. I check the pulses in my legs and feet several times a day, measure each leg too see if one is at all swollen. I have been to the ER 3 times now and they say I am ok. Then to top off my anxiety a person from when I went to highschool and is 2 mnths younger than me died last week suddenly from a clot that went to his lung. So now my anxiety is much worse. I just want one day where I feel healthy and don worry. Just one and then maybe I can be more positive or atleast less scared