Its been awhile!

Wow it has been months since I have posted. I am not really sure why. I guess if I dont write about it maybe it isnt real?
I am actually over a month free of blood pressure medication!! It is a miracle. I do tend to have days when it is not what I would like it to be and it sets off my anxiety pretty badly but I get through them which is what is truly important.
I have had several ups and downs since I last wrote. My husband has started a new job that takes him away for 14+ hours a day which is a huge change from having him home with me for 9 mnths straight. I have been coping pretty well with it though.
My biggest fall back of course is still the blood pressure and the constant checking and the insane fear that it will get high again. I get very upset because I am doing everything I can to keep it low and when it goes up I feel like I am failing.
Exercise has become a very positive thing in my daily life. I feel really good after a good workout and I think it keeps the anxiety in check.
I am also starting to see a relation to my hormones and the anxiety, it seems the same days each month I have very bad days. I have talked to my doctor and we are trying a vitamin first and then possibly birth control that helps to regulate hormones. I am not really keen on that idea but we will see,
I FINALLY got my doctor to send me to a phychiatrist. I have to drive over an hour but its about time. Of course he did what I thought and raised my paxil to a high dose. It was a horrible experience. I began having night terrors and having constant suicidal thoughts and felt like I was truly going crazy. So I am back down to my normal dose. I am not sure what the next step is. I think he wants to send me to an OCD clinic out of town. But it is a short inpatient thing and with two young kids it may be very difficult to do.
Either way, I am here, getting through things one day at a time, one step at a time. Trying to keep the demon at bay. It has almost been a year since my daughter was born and I had the horrible blood pressure experience so hopefully each day it gets further away it will leave my mind. I guess I can hope.