Horrible day, HUGE setback :(

I started having chest pains before heading to bed around 4am, I tossed and turned until 11am and got up and went to the ER. They hooked me up to the monitors and ran tests, while waiting for the tests to come back, I lost it. I was shaking and pinching myself to try and distract myself, I was having panic unlike anything I have had in years. I was sure something was wrong, that the blood clot test would show I had one in my lung or that my cardiac enzymes would show damage to my heart. I was sooooooo scared, 2 Klonopin never touched the anxiety. All the tests came back perfect. Yet I am terrified to go to sleep now. I am scared the pains will come back. I have failed and broken again :(   I am so sad, confused and feeling so alone.

And that was a huge waste of time

After all the research I did looking at different medications as an option and everything that I spent my time on to talk to my doctor about he ignored it all! He gave me a script for seroquel!!! Which #1 is for Bipolar and schizo and I have anxiety and panic and #2 one of the side effects is weight gain which he knows I have huge issues with. I struggled most of my teens and early 20's with a bad eating disorder. I do not handle gaining any weight easily. So I am back to square one. No help with the sleep or the meds or anything. He did nothing but completely upset me. He claimed I was OCD'ing about everything. I said I just wanted some answers. I am on two benzo's that are no longer helping and since he has me on them long term, either raise the dose or figure something out. So his way is adding yet more meds. I mean, I am on Paxil, Propanolol, Klonopin, Ativan and he wants to add Seroquel? I have kids, I need to be able to function during the day. It causes major tiredness which would be good if it just lasted for bedtime not all day.
I was so worked up from my appt that I came home and fell asleep on the couch for a few hours so my changes of sleeping tonight are even less. Its 2:30 am already. I dont know what to do. Cant get another doctor till he retires in June, cant see a specialist because I am not considered Bad enough. They only take the people that are at the ER every day or getting arrested. So he has helped me get hooked on 2 benzos been on them almost 3 years, the Paxil 13 years and the Propanolol a year. He admits that the chances the Paxil is helping me since I have been on the max dose for many many years are slim. Basically I take it to avoid withdrawals. Same with the Ativan and Klonopin. They dont work anymore, but in order not to have withdrawals I have to keep them in my system. Fun stuff! I had him check my liver function today to make sure these meds are atleast not doing any damage. I dont know. I feel even more lost now. I guess the goal is to deal with things the best I can till June when he retires and get a real doctor I can trust. Since its the Christmas season and winter it will be tough but I am determined to fight this stupid demon and if I have to do it on my own so be it.

I am going in armed and ready for answers!!!!!

I see my regular family doctor tomorrow. I never enjoy this as he almost makes me feel like a bother and has gotten me pretty messed up in the medication department. He is retiring in June and I have decided that I am not going to allow him to leave me with the mess he has created with my meds.
I did a ton of research tonight on different medications and options. There was one medication that I was on previously gabapentin and it was working not too bad but my drug plan did not pay for it and I could not longer afford it. So I have done more reading and there is a newer better version of it called pregabalin. I am not sure whether or not it is covered or not but after doing much research I have come across forms my doctor can fill out to the Ministry of Health to request that the drug be covered. So I am printing the forms out and bringing them along with all the research I have done. Since I take 2 benzos that I have built up a tolerance for an no longer sleep I know that I have to do something and since he is my doctor I am damn well going to make him accountable and let him know that it is his primary responsibility to help me get on the right meds. Since I have tried almost every med out there I dont think the Ministry will deny our request for the drug. It is normally used for nerve pain but has shown alot of promising things for anxiety and insomnia with little to no interactions or side effects.
So beyond that I am demanding that he test my adrenals. My surgeon mentioned that it was something my doctor should have checked long ago but he hasnt and he keeps putting me off. Well no more. Tomorrow he will be giving me the req for the test. Its my health, and I am not going to let him think that its ok to make me feel small because I have health anxiety. I have legitimate reasons to see him just like everyone else.
Ugh enough talk about him. My 6 week appt went great, I got the ok for the gym!!! and for sex. However I must admit I am BEYOND terrified about the sex. I mean I just had stitches holding things closed. I have read some horrible stories and I am just plain scared. Thankfully my husband respects that to a degree. I know I have to smarten up and not wait forever. I cannot believe it has been 6 weeks since my surgery. What a blur. Since the anxiety came back so full force it makes for days that just blend into one another. Wake up, eat, sleep. I need to break out of the rut and the first step is getting some sleep. Its now 2:30 am so looks like a good time to start!

Finally the 6 weeks post op mark

My appt is in just over an hour. I had maybe 2 hours of sleep. It is going to be a long day. I will admit I am not looking  forward to starting it by being examined down below but what has to be done does I guess. I am worried the lack of sleep might cause some anxiety today so I may have a nap when I come home. I see my regular doctor tomorrow regarding the insomnia and I need to discuss all these meds I am on that do not work anymore. To take 2 tablets of 2 different benzo's plus a beta blocker and my paxil and not even feel the slightest bit tired when it use to knock me right out tells me that I have built up a complete tolerance. Up'ing the dose I dont think is our best option but stopping them scares me even more. I guess we will see.

Where is my one step forward

I know where my two steps back are. But would love to have that one step forward.
Today didnt start out to bad but an hour ago I started feeling dizzy and just unwell and I took my blood pressure which was 138/83 so way up from my normal reading. That typically set me off into a panic. I dont know what triggered things. I am not sure if the dizziness was actually the start of an attack or if it was something else and it just set the rest off, I took many more BP reading typically. It has come down some which is good. I had to take a klonopin because I was just starting to peak way too much,
I am so angry though. It seems like I cannot get a grip on this at all. Before it was more actual events or health type things that set me off and now it seems like they just come out of the blue. I dont want to go back there. It was hell. Ever since surgery it seems I have no control on this at all. Like it has just thrown everything off. I see my surgeon on Thursday and I PRAY that it is not the last time, I hope he agrees to see me a few more times. Then I see my regular doc on Friday. But that will be a waste of time as per usual. But atleast I will get my med refills.
So here I sit, frustrated and angry, slightly panicked, anxious and worn out. I want to be the healthy 33 yr old that I think I am. That I know somewhere inside I am. But all the books and sites and doctors and meds in the world just cant get me there. I know its me, I have to do it. But I dont know how to start. I try and then I have a setback so I assume its not working. I have decided to give my anxiety a face, monster like, and a name. I have written down that I want him to go away and never come back. It feels alittle silly but after 18 years, I NEED and WANT my life back. I want to live each day and not live each day thinking I am dying.
Enjoy my kids, my husband, learn to love myself.  But I feel like a small pebble lost amongst huge boulders,

To be continued.....

Well the rest of my day was about the same as the first part.  I took my son out shopping for a bit, we had a good time and then dropped my daughter and her friend off at the movies. So I kept somewhat occupied which always helps. Of course I went into the grocery store and took my blood pressure and got 125/70 something and that peaked my anxiety. I have been looking into supplements for heart health. Then I buy them and am too scared to take them. Drives me crazy.
The worst is that its 2:19am and I am wide awake after 2 Paxil, 2 Klonopin, 2 Ativan and 1 Propanolol. Wide awake. That use to put me right to sleep. Now it does nothing at all. I really need to get a real doctor and get this med stuff straightened around because I cant keep going on with no sleep or sleeping in the mornings instead.
I NEED the gym back. It helped with the anxiety and the sleep alittle. My doctor still has not okayed it, I am not sure when he will :( 6 weeks without it has been horrible. It was "my time" I would get on that treadmill and just give it all I had, let all the stress, anxiety, anger, everything go into my workout. Always left feeling healthy and much calmer. It isnt often that I can say I feel healthy either.
I just want to get past Christmas as quickly as possible and on to Spring. I dread the snow and dark and cold. It just seems to really put a huge damper on my mood. Plus I am terrified to drive in the snow so it leave me home ALOT.
I actually let my husband read my blog for the first time today. He had no idea I had one. He seems to think everything stems from having a sick parent and then him dying. Possibly, I also have always believed that people that suffer with anxiety etc are wired differently than other people. Its usually the event that triggers things but the wiring is already there. What I wouldnt give to be the one that figured it all out, came up with a permenant cure, no meds, or anything. Ya I know. Nice dream.
I just want everyone that suffers from mental illness to be able to live their lives, to be able to be treated the same as everyone else even if we are different. We are only different if you choose to look at us that way. We have enough turmoil and pain without worrying about others opinions or comments or labels. The worst part is the doctors are the ones that are usually the most guilty. You go to see them and right away whatever you are saying, they are thinking in their head "what is it now, more anxiety, more health problems that dont exist" Have any of you tried CBT???? If so I would love to hear some feedback on it. I have been looking into it. Seems there is quite a waiting list. I am not classified as severe enough and cannot even get a psychiatrist because I have only been hospitalized once for mental health and you have to been in twice. Funny thing is they do everything they can to avoid admitting you that second time. I was suicidal and got sent home. But with free healthcare, you get what you pay for right.

WHY????

I woke up shaking. Already feeling anxious before I open my eyes. My fault I suppose I woke up briefly and had a pain in my thigh so I read on DVT and then put heat on it and elevated it and went back to sleep. Never good going to sleep with those thoughts. I am having trouble shaking the anxiousness so I took a Klonopin. I started to decorate for Christmas and then realized I have like 4 things!!!! Must have sold alot when we were hard up for money. Seeing how we are even harder up for money now I guess I wont be decorating much. Its dark and gray. Good day to match my mood. I have taken my blood pressure already 6 or more times. Pulse too many to count. My husband and children just got home so I will finish this later. Hopefully when I am feeling much better.

My thoughts today

Started off on a bad note, I didnt sleep well and woke up feeling just unwell and anxious. I didnt take any meds all day though I probably could have used them.
My worries today were everything from my blood pressure, to blood clots, to a clot going to my lung, to having complications from the surgery, to thinking my gallbladder was hurting, my temp being up every.single.evening., gaining weight, circulation and I am sure more that I am missing.
My blood pressure has been one of my #1 worries for years now, I get readings of 110/70 and lower while at rest usually. If I am anxious they go to 120/70. Then I take it after coming down the stairs and not resting first etc and I get 125/68 and although I know that its because I JUST came down the stairs, I worry. I think about taking my BP all day long but have managed to resist. At one point I would take it approx every 5 minutes all day long. Same with my temperature. Which I am still doing in the evenings because it has been 99-99.6 every evening. Not quite a fever but it only happens in the evening. So what do I do..........thats right I google!!! Of course I get everything from TB to leukemia and more. Never something that says oh its normal, only the hardcore scare the crap out of me stuff. My fault for googling.
I have started wondering if I actually take some time and grief my dad's death (died in 1991 when I was 15) by going to a group maybe I will be able to let a few things go. I know I have yet to grief. Which is pretty bad. But its almost like if I do, then its real, but I mean all these years later its obviously real. I always think that was what triggered my health anxiety but when I truly think about it, it started much earlier and only spiraled when he died. Now he was always sick, even when I was very young. He had a heart attack very early on in his and my life. I remember being scared at times going out with him and he would get winded and have to take his nitro. Seeing the countless medications he needed to take. Visiting him in the hospital after a bypass surgery and seeing all the scary things hooked up to him.
I have always worried. Always. Excessively. I dont know what life is like to not worry like I do. I see my husband have a blood pressure of 155/114 because of pain and yet he never checks it again. He just doesnt worry and assumes that its fine now. Why cant I be that person? I have been let down countless numbers of times by doctors.
I was in pain for months at age 15, went to the ER over and over, my mom was getting mad at me and thinking I was faking, the doctors told me I was ovulating or it was just in my head. I tried to make them listen. Then finally a blood test showed something was wrong and I was called out of school to be admitted for emergency surgery. I had a very large ovarian cyst that was causing bleeding and other problems.
Then at 19 I went to the ER not even able to stand up straight with abdominal pain and vomitting. Again the doctor told me it was ovulation pain!!! My boyfriend said No, that I was not ok and we were not leaving until they did bloodwork. The doctor never even came back in the room, I was admitted and had surgery on my appendix right away. Now what would have happened if I had taken that painkiller and went home to bed???
At 20 I got a + pregnancy test but was having alittle pain so I went to the ER. They did blood work and an ultrasound. Next thing you know I have an IV in my hand and its going in so fast my whole arm is freezing. No one is saying anything. Then I get handed a big envelope that was my ultrasound results and they cap off my IV and told me I had to go to another hospital right away as my pregnancy was in my tube and I would need surgery. I cried the whole drive there. After 2 minutes with an OB/GYN they had looked at the ultrasound and told me the doctor read it wrong and congratulations I was pregnant and everything was perfect, go home!!
Well after that pregnancy I had my 3 day post partum check up at my doctors, I had high BP when I delivered and after but they said it would go away. So he takes my BP but never says anything and sends me on my way. That night I felt really bad so I went to the ER, they check records and my BP in his office that day was 200/110 and he sent me home!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then pregnancy #2 had pain, went to the ER. Did a urine sample for pregnancy instead of bloodwork. I had already gotten 2+ at home. They tell me its negative there is no way I am pregnant. Diagnose me with renal colic and give me a script for pain meds(which would not be safe for a pregnant person) I go to Walmart get two more tests. One digital. It comes up pregnant right away, so I walk back in and show them 4 tests and say What the hell??? Turns out their tests were all bad. The blood test was positive. Had I listened and taken the meds I would have caused the baby problems.
After baby#2 I feel really crappy again and head to the ER. They sent me home to early and my BP had skyrocketed. I was admitted right away for another week. Had I stayed home I wouldve likely had a stroke
Baby#3. Should be expecting it to happen right?? Well I know I was. Felt crappy, went to the OB's he had the nerve to tell me that my BP was low, like 100/55. I have my own monitor plus checked it at a pharmacy and it was 200/110 and climbing. So I go to the Er a few hours later because I am feeling really bad. Started on emerg meds to lower my BP and readmitted to the hospital where I spent weeks without my newborn. On a surgical floor, while my OB did nothing. For weeks he did nothing and finally called a cardiologist who prescribed me meds and sent me home.
Went to the ER about 2 years ago with pains in my chest, they did cardiac enzyme tests, one came back elevated so I had to wait 6 hours and have it redone. It was still elevated. So they kept me overnight and did a stress test in the am. Passed it so they said go home. I was back in a few hours with the same horrible pain. rapid pulse as well. They decided to keep me again because I was having tachycardiac episodes. They gave me heparin and told me I would have a lung scan in the morning. Well scan was clean so without doing any blood work they were just going to send me home even though I was in major pain. So I demanded bloodwork. Well low and behold, I had pancreatitis. Could have said some testing if they had just checked blood work first!!!!
I am sure I have more but rethinking about all that gives me shivers. The doc who did my surgeon is an OB/GYN. He is amazing. I trust him completely. He reassures me, double checks everything and understands my fear. What I wouldnt give to have him as a family doctor :( I dont know how to trust doctors anymore when I have been through so much. My family doctor now just gives me whatever I ask for. I asked for a script for blood pressure meds in case my blood pressure rises even though its not high and he gave it to me. He couldnt remember prescribing two benzos to me. He actually tells me I stress him out and that I am crazy. He cant retire soon enough yet I am sooooo scared that I will have someone even worse, someone that stops the drugs. Or listens even less.
When you have health anxiety, to everyone around you, everything you feel is always in your head. Anxiety is blamed for every sneeze, every headache, every quick heart beat. You are automatically labelled and not taken seriously, Even with family. Its like you are stuck in this world of your own terrified because no one listens anymore. Like you have cried wolf too many times, even though many of those times were legit.
Where is the way out. I cant just stop worrying. I dont want to die, I want to live, see my kids grow up and have kids. My dad missed out on that. I dont want that. I cant leave my kids to suffer like I did with the loss of a parent. My 12 yr old already suffers from anxiety. While its not health anxiety it is defintely a form developing. I did that. I gave her the genes, let her see my behaviour. I caused that.  Now where does mine come from?
Is there a way out? Am I going to be like this forever? I want to just live! Love life, not worry about everything. Not wonder why, if, when, what, all the time. Steves grandma is dying from lung cancer. She starts radiation this week. It will not sure it. But it will buy her some time. Time that she will spend feeling the horrible ill effects of the treatments. My grandpa had lung cancer, decided to go through treatments. Died during his first treatment of a heart attack. His body couldnt do it. She is 85 I dont know how well she will take it. We are going to see her decline, and eventually die. I watched Steve's grandfather die and it still haunts me even though he passed quite peacefully.
Wow this is really all over the place!!! LOL Good for you if you managed to get through it. I just have so much to say and no one to say it too. My husband doesnt understand, tells me he doesnt know how to help. :( I have no counsellor, no real friends, my family and I are not close and wont talk about it with me anyway. I am alone in it. Not even a group I can attend. All I have is the forums, which at times can be more harm than good as you tend to pick up new ideas and diseases!!!!
My doctor thinks I am the way I am because I know to much. Medicine fascinates me and I know alot about it. Too much by far. I can read my own blood results and no what everything means, same with most tests. I can tell my doctor what I have and what med I need. Or even for my husband. He had constant headaches and I said what about Propanolol and sure enough the doc said yup that is the best bet. But I still at home and use it for bad and not good. But I am not strong enough to work. I need to get this figured out. I need people to talk to and share with. I need understanding most of all.

Where do we go from here

Well it was an intense weekend. Kaden is slowly feeling better minus the constant coughing, but the fevers are gone. Last night Steve(my husband) needed me to take him to the ER twice! Never have I seen him like he was. He was in so much pain and even crying. His BP was 155/114 because of the pain. His wisdom teeth are a mess and caused an abscess or something. Our first trip to the ER they prescribed T3's which didnt touch the pain at all, he couldnt handle it, so I brought him back and they gave him a shot.
It was strange. The person that has been my safe person, my rock and last night that was my position. I had to calm him down and comfort him. I was the one in the waiting room wondering what was happening. I thought it would completely rattle my nerves but I took it surprisingly well.
The weather was gorgeous yesterday and today so I went for a walk both days. I can really feel the muscles I havent used much since surgery and my abs got alittle sore.
Now for the worry!! lol My temp has been up every night before bed. Not super high but just below 100. My throat also gets scratchy and I feel blah. It only seems to happen in the evening. Its like my body is working super hard to fight off the germs in this house and the ones from the ER but it slacks off in the evening or something!!! I am trying to not let it worry me, its more frustrating than anything because I keep thinking I am getting something and then its gone. Not that I am complaining!! I will be 5 weeks post op this week. Amazing. I have moments that I am sad I will never carry a child again but then I think of the fact I will never have a period again and that makes up for it. LOL
I have been worrying about my meds. I do NOT want to go off any as they basically work for me but the benzos are suppose to be short term and not 3 years like I have been. Plus I am on two different benzos plus Paxil and a beta blocker. I am worried that when my doctor retires I will have someone that makes me stop them all and things will get bad. Yet I worry about the fact that I am addicted to them all. :( I guess time will tell with that one.
Hoping for another nice day tomorrow to get a walk in before it gets cold and the snow comes.

Ups and downs

Well I have been doing alittle better with my anxiety but it seems like there is always something to test it. Our family got the H1N1 shots and then 2 days later my 2 yr old daughter ended up with the swine flu as well as my husband, 12 yr old daughter and just recently my 3 yr old son. My son is taking it the hardest by far. He has been sleeping alot, and not eating or drinking well and just unwell. It has had me stressed out. I have bought him everything possible in hopes of getting him to take food or drink and finally he had some watermelon tonight. So its a start. Back in April he had a stomach bug and ended up very sick and in the hospital for 4 days. So I am very cautious with him.

My recovery seems to be going well. I still am desperate to get back to full on gym workouts. The best thing is my platelets are normal again!!!!!! I am soooo happy. They went from 600 down to 387 so I am thrilled. And yes the doctors were right. LOL

I am going to be sad when I no longer see my surgeon, he is an amazing doctor who does everything to ease my mind and make me feel better. If only he was a general practitioner. Days are getter darker and colder, which drops my mood. Money problems are insane. Christmas is coming which is another stress. This time of the year just all around sucks. The germs, the money, the lack of sun, the snow, the cold. But I guess you live in Canada you deal with the weather.

I have been working alot in my anxiety workbook and it seems to be helping. I do it everynight before bed.

I am staying up too late and sleeping in too late. My schedule for sleep is a mess. Sleep at 2:30 up briefly around 6-7am and then sleep till 12:30pm. Not good at all. So I need to get back into my kid watching hours! The kids have been going to the sitter since I had surgery. It has been so good for them and they love it there. I would love to keep them in mornings but of course its the cost that worries me. I just hate to stop something that I believe is helping them alot, especially Kaden with his speech and socialization skills.

I need to find a hobby, but I dont know what yet. I am not really good at anything! LOL But I want to get into something that I can do regular. Also that doesnt cost an arm and a leg. Time to start coming up with some ideas. Well thats all for now, nothing much exciting. Hopefully there wont be much to write the next time as well, that will mean things are going well!

Slowly getting there

Well I have increased my meds, seen my doctor a few times and am slowly getting there. I had a scare last week with pain and bleeding and ended up spending the night in the ER. I found out my platelet levels were up which to me sent me into a frenzy, I started taking baby aspirin right away worried my blood was to thick. I had 4 doctors tell me that it is normal after surgery but I was just not hearing it.

I had blood work today to see if the number is down and I am praying that it is. There have been some tragedies lately that have made me wonder and question why I am living like I do. Someone close lost their 3 mnth old niece to SIDS. I cannot fathom the pain that family must be going through. Also there is a huge outbreak of the swine flu and a perfectly healthy 13 yr old boy died. I am terrified for my kids and wish I could keep my daughter home from school and keep us all locked up and safe from the germs!!!

The worst part is my husbands grandmother was diagnosed today with lung cancer. We saw her the weekend before thanksgiving and we questioned each other about her health and felt that something didnt seem right. My mother saw a picture of her and also said she didnt look well at all and looked like she had cancer. Sure enough the day of my surgery she was admitted to the hospital with fluid on her lungs and they found a spot on her lungs. It is in her lymph nodes and they said chemo just is not an option. So it looks like possible radiation which we dont know if she would really survive, and she goes back in two weeks to basically be given a "time line" We want to all get and stay healthy so we can go see her as much as possible as we know that this isnt a good thing.

So after all these things happening it makes me wonder why I focus my day to day on things I cannot control. If something is going to happen its going to happen. All I can do is live the best I can and enjoy my life and family day to day. I am wasting my life worrying about things beyond my control. Now if I could just believe and follow that, maybe I will get somewhere.

Its been a long time!!!!

Yet I wish I wasnt having to type this! My anxiety has returned 10X stronger :(

I had a hysterectomy on the 8th of October and I have been a disaster since. I am soooooo upset that my blood pressure has risen from the nice good # I had come to love. I was comfortable, not on meds, and not anxious!!!! Well worrying about complications and the surgery itself has driven me to the brink again. I spend hours looking up info on abscesses, clots, high blood pressure, why my BP is higher in one arm than the other, and the list goes on. I have had to up my anxiety meds and a BP med but one that is suppose to help with anxiety more so than BP. I NEED to see my normal BP again, I need to be recovered and not have complications on my mind 24/7. I dont know how to get back to being that peaceful somewhat calm person I was a month ago. I was going to the gym and it helped me alot. Having to sit around waiting to recover is making things worse. I have no outlet, I am bored and stir crazy and SCARED. The kids and Steve are not home most of the day so I sleep because I hate feeling so alone.

I feel alone, lost, scared and so many more emotions, I kept my ovaries with the surgery which I am super grateful for but yet I still wonder if my hormones are alittle messed up from the surgery and increasing the anxiety as well. I miss having others that feel the same to chat with. I need someone who understands and just doesnt brush me off and tell me not to worry.

Top things off, everyone is sick. No one at home so far, knock on wood. But there are so many at school and friends of my daughter that are sick with things constantly. I hate this time of the year and it seems like this is going to be a bad year for the colds etc. Too much to worry about, I want to just go back to the summer on the beach and loving life and the fun and no worries!!!!!!!!!