Where is my one step forward

I know where my two steps back are. But would love to have that one step forward.
Today didnt start out to bad but an hour ago I started feeling dizzy and just unwell and I took my blood pressure which was 138/83 so way up from my normal reading. That typically set me off into a panic. I dont know what triggered things. I am not sure if the dizziness was actually the start of an attack or if it was something else and it just set the rest off, I took many more BP reading typically. It has come down some which is good. I had to take a klonopin because I was just starting to peak way too much,
I am so angry though. It seems like I cannot get a grip on this at all. Before it was more actual events or health type things that set me off and now it seems like they just come out of the blue. I dont want to go back there. It was hell. Ever since surgery it seems I have no control on this at all. Like it has just thrown everything off. I see my surgeon on Thursday and I PRAY that it is not the last time, I hope he agrees to see me a few more times. Then I see my regular doc on Friday. But that will be a waste of time as per usual. But atleast I will get my med refills.
So here I sit, frustrated and angry, slightly panicked, anxious and worn out. I want to be the healthy 33 yr old that I think I am. That I know somewhere inside I am. But all the books and sites and doctors and meds in the world just cant get me there. I know its me, I have to do it. But I dont know how to start. I try and then I have a setback so I assume its not working. I have decided to give my anxiety a face, monster like, and a name. I have written down that I want him to go away and never come back. It feels alittle silly but after 18 years, I NEED and WANT my life back. I want to live each day and not live each day thinking I am dying.
Enjoy my kids, my husband, learn to love myself.  But I feel like a small pebble lost amongst huge boulders,