My thoughts today

Started off on a bad note, I didnt sleep well and woke up feeling just unwell and anxious. I didnt take any meds all day though I probably could have used them.
My worries today were everything from my blood pressure, to blood clots, to a clot going to my lung, to having complications from the surgery, to thinking my gallbladder was hurting, my temp being up every.single.evening., gaining weight, circulation and I am sure more that I am missing.
My blood pressure has been one of my #1 worries for years now, I get readings of 110/70 and lower while at rest usually. If I am anxious they go to 120/70. Then I take it after coming down the stairs and not resting first etc and I get 125/68 and although I know that its because I JUST came down the stairs, I worry. I think about taking my BP all day long but have managed to resist. At one point I would take it approx every 5 minutes all day long. Same with my temperature. Which I am still doing in the evenings because it has been 99-99.6 every evening. Not quite a fever but it only happens in the evening. So what do I do..........thats right I google!!! Of course I get everything from TB to leukemia and more. Never something that says oh its normal, only the hardcore scare the crap out of me stuff. My fault for googling.
I have started wondering if I actually take some time and grief my dad's death (died in 1991 when I was 15) by going to a group maybe I will be able to let a few things go. I know I have yet to grief. Which is pretty bad. But its almost like if I do, then its real, but I mean all these years later its obviously real. I always think that was what triggered my health anxiety but when I truly think about it, it started much earlier and only spiraled when he died. Now he was always sick, even when I was very young. He had a heart attack very early on in his and my life. I remember being scared at times going out with him and he would get winded and have to take his nitro. Seeing the countless medications he needed to take. Visiting him in the hospital after a bypass surgery and seeing all the scary things hooked up to him.
I have always worried. Always. Excessively. I dont know what life is like to not worry like I do. I see my husband have a blood pressure of 155/114 because of pain and yet he never checks it again. He just doesnt worry and assumes that its fine now. Why cant I be that person? I have been let down countless numbers of times by doctors.
I was in pain for months at age 15, went to the ER over and over, my mom was getting mad at me and thinking I was faking, the doctors told me I was ovulating or it was just in my head. I tried to make them listen. Then finally a blood test showed something was wrong and I was called out of school to be admitted for emergency surgery. I had a very large ovarian cyst that was causing bleeding and other problems.
Then at 19 I went to the ER not even able to stand up straight with abdominal pain and vomitting. Again the doctor told me it was ovulation pain!!! My boyfriend said No, that I was not ok and we were not leaving until they did bloodwork. The doctor never even came back in the room, I was admitted and had surgery on my appendix right away. Now what would have happened if I had taken that painkiller and went home to bed???
At 20 I got a + pregnancy test but was having alittle pain so I went to the ER. They did blood work and an ultrasound. Next thing you know I have an IV in my hand and its going in so fast my whole arm is freezing. No one is saying anything. Then I get handed a big envelope that was my ultrasound results and they cap off my IV and told me I had to go to another hospital right away as my pregnancy was in my tube and I would need surgery. I cried the whole drive there. After 2 minutes with an OB/GYN they had looked at the ultrasound and told me the doctor read it wrong and congratulations I was pregnant and everything was perfect, go home!!
Well after that pregnancy I had my 3 day post partum check up at my doctors, I had high BP when I delivered and after but they said it would go away. So he takes my BP but never says anything and sends me on my way. That night I felt really bad so I went to the ER, they check records and my BP in his office that day was 200/110 and he sent me home!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then pregnancy #2 had pain, went to the ER. Did a urine sample for pregnancy instead of bloodwork. I had already gotten 2+ at home. They tell me its negative there is no way I am pregnant. Diagnose me with renal colic and give me a script for pain meds(which would not be safe for a pregnant person) I go to Walmart get two more tests. One digital. It comes up pregnant right away, so I walk back in and show them 4 tests and say What the hell??? Turns out their tests were all bad. The blood test was positive. Had I listened and taken the meds I would have caused the baby problems.
After baby#2 I feel really crappy again and head to the ER. They sent me home to early and my BP had skyrocketed. I was admitted right away for another week. Had I stayed home I wouldve likely had a stroke
Baby#3. Should be expecting it to happen right?? Well I know I was. Felt crappy, went to the OB's he had the nerve to tell me that my BP was low, like 100/55. I have my own monitor plus checked it at a pharmacy and it was 200/110 and climbing. So I go to the Er a few hours later because I am feeling really bad. Started on emerg meds to lower my BP and readmitted to the hospital where I spent weeks without my newborn. On a surgical floor, while my OB did nothing. For weeks he did nothing and finally called a cardiologist who prescribed me meds and sent me home.
Went to the ER about 2 years ago with pains in my chest, they did cardiac enzyme tests, one came back elevated so I had to wait 6 hours and have it redone. It was still elevated. So they kept me overnight and did a stress test in the am. Passed it so they said go home. I was back in a few hours with the same horrible pain. rapid pulse as well. They decided to keep me again because I was having tachycardiac episodes. They gave me heparin and told me I would have a lung scan in the morning. Well scan was clean so without doing any blood work they were just going to send me home even though I was in major pain. So I demanded bloodwork. Well low and behold, I had pancreatitis. Could have said some testing if they had just checked blood work first!!!!
I am sure I have more but rethinking about all that gives me shivers. The doc who did my surgeon is an OB/GYN. He is amazing. I trust him completely. He reassures me, double checks everything and understands my fear. What I wouldnt give to have him as a family doctor :( I dont know how to trust doctors anymore when I have been through so much. My family doctor now just gives me whatever I ask for. I asked for a script for blood pressure meds in case my blood pressure rises even though its not high and he gave it to me. He couldnt remember prescribing two benzos to me. He actually tells me I stress him out and that I am crazy. He cant retire soon enough yet I am sooooo scared that I will have someone even worse, someone that stops the drugs. Or listens even less.
When you have health anxiety, to everyone around you, everything you feel is always in your head. Anxiety is blamed for every sneeze, every headache, every quick heart beat. You are automatically labelled and not taken seriously, Even with family. Its like you are stuck in this world of your own terrified because no one listens anymore. Like you have cried wolf too many times, even though many of those times were legit.
Where is the way out. I cant just stop worrying. I dont want to die, I want to live, see my kids grow up and have kids. My dad missed out on that. I dont want that. I cant leave my kids to suffer like I did with the loss of a parent. My 12 yr old already suffers from anxiety. While its not health anxiety it is defintely a form developing. I did that. I gave her the genes, let her see my behaviour. I caused that.  Now where does mine come from?
Is there a way out? Am I going to be like this forever? I want to just live! Love life, not worry about everything. Not wonder why, if, when, what, all the time. Steves grandma is dying from lung cancer. She starts radiation this week. It will not sure it. But it will buy her some time. Time that she will spend feeling the horrible ill effects of the treatments. My grandpa had lung cancer, decided to go through treatments. Died during his first treatment of a heart attack. His body couldnt do it. She is 85 I dont know how well she will take it. We are going to see her decline, and eventually die. I watched Steve's grandfather die and it still haunts me even though he passed quite peacefully.
Wow this is really all over the place!!! LOL Good for you if you managed to get through it. I just have so much to say and no one to say it too. My husband doesnt understand, tells me he doesnt know how to help. :( I have no counsellor, no real friends, my family and I are not close and wont talk about it with me anyway. I am alone in it. Not even a group I can attend. All I have is the forums, which at times can be more harm than good as you tend to pick up new ideas and diseases!!!!
My doctor thinks I am the way I am because I know to much. Medicine fascinates me and I know alot about it. Too much by far. I can read my own blood results and no what everything means, same with most tests. I can tell my doctor what I have and what med I need. Or even for my husband. He had constant headaches and I said what about Propanolol and sure enough the doc said yup that is the best bet. But I still at home and use it for bad and not good. But I am not strong enough to work. I need to get this figured out. I need people to talk to and share with. I need understanding most of all.