UGH!!!

So I failed at not googling :( I spent over an hour last night looking up liver, pancreas, gallbladder issues. I still have the weird "pain" that an organ is swollen or something. I thought about it off and on all day.
I also realized that I am miserable in my daily life. A place I once use to really enjoy going to each day I  dread. So much tension, disrespect and dislike for the entire aspect and atmosphere. If it was not so close to Christmas I would quit. But I need to suck it up, get presents bought and bills paid and then take another look at the situation. Its hard to be so unhappy everyday and I am sure its not helping the fact that my anxiety is rising.
I have been feeling EXTREME guilt about kicking out my niece. I know its not healthy to have her back here but its so hard to not feel awful about the whole thing.
At this point I think skipping ahead to spring would be wonderful. No darker days, snow, cold and just plain yuck. It is such a depressing time of the year. My kids are already super excited about Christmas, I feel bad because although I dont show them, inside I just hate Christmas and to me hate is a very strong word.