What a weekend

It has not been fun. Steve is working midnights, Madison is at her dads and my anxiety has decided to show up in full force. Friday night was the worst. I was having stomach cramps, my blood pressure was up and I just felt absolutely alone and terrified. I had the same type of pain from when I had pancreatitis so I was petrified that it was happening again. Of course that jst made m blood pressure shoot up which I was taking atleast every five minutes when I didnt have a thermometer stuck in my mouth. ]
When Steve is so far away and I have no car I am so worried that if something happens to me I am screwed, what will I do with the kids? How will I get anywhere.
I spent over an hour googling health related things that of course scared me even more. I should know better but when I am at that point everything I do and think is irrational.
I guess the best part is I made it through.

Last night was not quite as bad. I did have a pain in my side and chest pain that was starting to get intense but thankfully I fell asleep. I think it stems from the magazine article I read that young, fit healthy woman are having more heart attacks. There couldnt be a worse thing for me to read. My biggest fear right there in print.

Today is fathers day. I miss my dad more than words can describe. He was my everything and things have and never will be the same. I would love to be able to be going over to his place today with the kids. The kids he never got to meet. I truly believe I have yet to fully grieve the loss of him and that is a part of my problem. My fear of dying how he died is so overwhelming. I am only 8 years away from the age he was when he died, by my age he had already had bypass surgery and several heart attacks. I miss him so much it still hurts and it has been 17 years. 17 years, that is crazy. Unfortunately its been 16 years of sheer panic and anxiety hell. All I want is to life my live, without this horrible demon. Enjoy my kids, enjoy life. My dad did, sickness and all. He lived each days to its fullest. Why can I not adapt that attitude? Someday.

Happy Fathers Day Dad, I love you and miss you so much. I hope you can see your beautiful grandchildren as they would have loved you! We all love you!