So not much happening in my world. Anxiety is rising still. Find myself googling alot. I had a gastroscopy the other day that I was anxious about, I triple checked with them that I would be out for it and the told me I would not remember a thing. Well they used a benzo and it didnt even touch me so I was fully awake during it. It was awful. I gagged and thought I was going to choke to death. Nothing found during it so onto yet another test. I find myself worrying about Steve going back to work or leaving to go anywhere for that matter, which is bad. I havent been that way for awhile. I think working with him was so comfortable for me as we were together 24/7 and now he could end up working anywhere and any hours.
Depressed about my stupid foot. It is so not right, the pain sucks and its not sitting right it actually overlaps my middle toe. So back to the surgeon to be sent somewhere else in hopes they can fix his screw up. I am 34 I dont think being able to walk without pain is too much to ask.
Wow this is a huge downer of a post. On the upside we are pretty much done christmas shopping. Glad to have it out of the way. Hard to believe its coming so fast.
Winter storm is due tomorrow :( yet another thing that raises me anxiety. Arghhhh

Feeling like blah....Tis the season. I have had a cold that seems to never end and again today stomach issues. I feel just overall yuck. We had family pictures taken yesterday and I am so happy with them. My oldest Madison had her second photo shoot done. She is sooo perfect and made to model I think.
I actually went on No More Panic tonight. I did not log into the forum but I did read. As well as google today. I just want to feel well, emotionally, mentally and physically. I realized today that I am basically an only child. I have no relationship with my sister or stepsister at all. I truly dont even consider myself to have a sister. She is that cruel and full of hatred I dont even want to acknowledge it. I wonder sometimes how my dad would react to her actions towards me and her own children etc.
No hits on a job for Steve or myself, it sucks....I hope it doesnt last long.

 Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself. Walter Anderson

Way too much in one day

What a day. Started off by being told that Steve and I were to work in the pouring rain and horrible amounts of mud. It was cold and awful and just plain mean. So long story short our boss sent us home.
My anxiety was up as my boss has been a huge factor in my anxiety returning. I came home had a bath and just felt awful. I have been having diarrhea all weekend and my nerves were high on the pain in my right side. So off to the ER I went. I was full of anxiety. They did bloodwork, xrays and an ultrasound. Everything came back normal. So no answers. Rest and stay stress free until my endoscopy on Dec.8th is what I am to do.
Well, stress free.......that one appears to be impossible in my world. Upon coming home I received an email from my boss and he was giving my husband and I our two week notice. RIGHT BEFORE Christmas!!!! Who does that???? So know I am completely distraught on how we are suppose to make ends meet at all, let alone have a decent Christmas for the kids. Stress free....ugh. My anxiety and depression are in full throttle. I actual am craving ativan. :(

Me again!

So dreams are dreams. Are they something we long for, something we havent dealt with, or simply a dream? Mine have been haunting. Not at all scary but painful. Recurring dreams of being pregnant. I am so happy and glowing and buying clothes and feeling the baby move and everything seems right in the world. Then I wake up. Empty, without a uterus. No chance of ever feeling a baby move again. I shake it off and go about my day, a trip to the grocery store where it seems that every woman there is pregnant. Sit down and try not to think about it and on Facebook there are the beautiful belly pics and the statuses of those happy moms to be gushing about the movements, the preparation all the wonders that goes along with pregnancy. I have three wonderful healthy children. How dare I even feel this way. I have been blessed. Then why do I go to sleep each night and have the same dreams only to wake up feeling that empty feeling over and over?
How do you deal with something like this. I cant talk to anyone about it, they all say, you have three kids, its too late now. So what to do.......suck it up I guess.

Its beginning to feel alot like Christmas

Did some shopping last night, of course spent just alittle too much so we will be tight having enough money till next pay.
I have been feeling yuck for a few days, I caught Steve's cold and have had a sore throat, fever, nasty body aches. But hoping its on its way out. The night I caught it the body aches were so bad and I felt so awful it caused anxiety. It sucked. I hate any ounce of anxiety. The same night however I found out via Facebook that my Aunt has breast cancer :( So I have been thinking alot about family.
Remembering what family was when I was growing up and what it is now. My own family is a great unit. But when I think about my mom and sister and stepsister I just cant get over how seriously messed up things are.
None of us get along at all. My own blood sister is my worst enemy, she spends her time ensuring that everyone she knows gets the impression that I am the "crazy one" I have been lucky enough to be called that since my panic attacks became aware to here. I could understand if she was truly ignorant about such illnesses but she works with challenged individuals so you would think she would have enough understanding to know a panic disorder does not warrant one being "crazy". My stepsister stopped talking to me after we went to my moms for dinner(my family) and did not invite her. ??? Makes little sense to me. Then I have my mom who plays sides with all of us. I know I am truly not someone she wants around, she made it clear last Christmas when she told me I was not the child she deserved.
Do we dwell on such things or do we just move on with our own lives and family. Ensuring our children are never made to feel as awful as our outside family has made us feel. My family was my dad, he knew unconditional love for his children as he would have for his Grandchildren, he knew many many years ago that my sister was a jealous person capable of very mean things. He was right. He knew that I would never be accepted in my moms "New" family, he was right. The wisest most caring person in my life was taken from me, and I wonder why? What did I do to deserve it? What did he do? Things happen for a reason, then I want my reason for it. Dont I atleast deserve that much

UGH!!!

So I failed at not googling :( I spent over an hour last night looking up liver, pancreas, gallbladder issues. I still have the weird "pain" that an organ is swollen or something. I thought about it off and on all day.
I also realized that I am miserable in my daily life. A place I once use to really enjoy going to each day I  dread. So much tension, disrespect and dislike for the entire aspect and atmosphere. If it was not so close to Christmas I would quit. But I need to suck it up, get presents bought and bills paid and then take another look at the situation. Its hard to be so unhappy everyday and I am sure its not helping the fact that my anxiety is rising.
I have been feeling EXTREME guilt about kicking out my niece. I know its not healthy to have her back here but its so hard to not feel awful about the whole thing.
At this point I think skipping ahead to spring would be wonderful. No darker days, snow, cold and just plain yuck. It is such a depressing time of the year. My kids are already super excited about Christmas, I feel bad because although I dont show them, inside I just hate Christmas and to me hate is a very strong word.