Again I have slacked on this blog!
Made it through Christmas, wasnt as horrible as I was expecting. Kids were happy and thats what matters the most. the depression from being laid off and being completely broke for the past month of so has been awful. Sleeping pattern is all messed up. I am staying up way to late and sleeping in. No energy, and havent been to the gym. We were taking the kids swimming daily at the Y but we hit a cold spell and the were freezing afterwards. My anxiety was up this week and last. My old boss emailed me and wanted me to do a bunch of work even though I am not on his pay roll. typically I did it. UGH. The second I get an email from him my mood changes. he treats me like his slave. Good news is I found another job! At a popular winery/vineyard! It doesnt start till March but atleast I got it. I was anxious before the interview. I really just wanted things to go back to the way they were last summer. Working with Steve and Madison. Boss not being a jerk. It was good times. Now I have to work without Steve. Which is normal but since we have spent so much time together typically I have built up a co-dependency. Boo to that.
I really really want to get back to an exercise and healthy diet routine as I know I would feel better. But its getting into the groove of it. I get so depressed in the winter. I dont even open my blinds. I hate the dark dreary snow. I need the sun back. I go for tans and I always feel better afterwards. Might be a vitamin D thing.
Steve is depressed too I think. He hasnt been the same. He is getting lots of headaches and has zero ambition as well. Its not like him to be so down. He finds out on Monday about a job and I am hoping that might help. Poor kids have two bummed out parents. I do everything to make sure they dont notice anything. Still play with them all fun and happy and show them only happy spirits. Madison has been doing modeling. She has an amazing gift. Her pictures and look is fabulous! Raelynn has done a shoot with her as well. I have two very photogenic daughters. Kaden isnt a fan of the camera much like mommy and daddy. He has become an amazing swimmer, Quite a daredevil and his talked has improved soooooo much!
So its just going to take a good kick in the ass for me to get motivated and start working to feel better. No more poor me. I can do it. I have to do it.

So not much happening in my world. Anxiety is rising still. Find myself googling alot. I had a gastroscopy the other day that I was anxious about, I triple checked with them that I would be out for it and the told me I would not remember a thing. Well they used a benzo and it didnt even touch me so I was fully awake during it. It was awful. I gagged and thought I was going to choke to death. Nothing found during it so onto yet another test. I find myself worrying about Steve going back to work or leaving to go anywhere for that matter, which is bad. I havent been that way for awhile. I think working with him was so comfortable for me as we were together 24/7 and now he could end up working anywhere and any hours.
Depressed about my stupid foot. It is so not right, the pain sucks and its not sitting right it actually overlaps my middle toe. So back to the surgeon to be sent somewhere else in hopes they can fix his screw up. I am 34 I dont think being able to walk without pain is too much to ask.
Wow this is a huge downer of a post. On the upside we are pretty much done christmas shopping. Glad to have it out of the way. Hard to believe its coming so fast.
Winter storm is due tomorrow :( yet another thing that raises me anxiety. Arghhhh

Feeling like blah....Tis the season. I have had a cold that seems to never end and again today stomach issues. I feel just overall yuck. We had family pictures taken yesterday and I am so happy with them. My oldest Madison had her second photo shoot done. She is sooo perfect and made to model I think.
I actually went on No More Panic tonight. I did not log into the forum but I did read. As well as google today. I just want to feel well, emotionally, mentally and physically. I realized today that I am basically an only child. I have no relationship with my sister or stepsister at all. I truly dont even consider myself to have a sister. She is that cruel and full of hatred I dont even want to acknowledge it. I wonder sometimes how my dad would react to her actions towards me and her own children etc.
No hits on a job for Steve or myself, it sucks....I hope it doesnt last long.

 Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself. Walter Anderson

Way too much in one day

What a day. Started off by being told that Steve and I were to work in the pouring rain and horrible amounts of mud. It was cold and awful and just plain mean. So long story short our boss sent us home.
My anxiety was up as my boss has been a huge factor in my anxiety returning. I came home had a bath and just felt awful. I have been having diarrhea all weekend and my nerves were high on the pain in my right side. So off to the ER I went. I was full of anxiety. They did bloodwork, xrays and an ultrasound. Everything came back normal. So no answers. Rest and stay stress free until my endoscopy on Dec.8th is what I am to do.
Well, stress free.......that one appears to be impossible in my world. Upon coming home I received an email from my boss and he was giving my husband and I our two week notice. RIGHT BEFORE Christmas!!!! Who does that???? So know I am completely distraught on how we are suppose to make ends meet at all, let alone have a decent Christmas for the kids. Stress free....ugh. My anxiety and depression are in full throttle. I actual am craving ativan. :(

Me again!

So dreams are dreams. Are they something we long for, something we havent dealt with, or simply a dream? Mine have been haunting. Not at all scary but painful. Recurring dreams of being pregnant. I am so happy and glowing and buying clothes and feeling the baby move and everything seems right in the world. Then I wake up. Empty, without a uterus. No chance of ever feeling a baby move again. I shake it off and go about my day, a trip to the grocery store where it seems that every woman there is pregnant. Sit down and try not to think about it and on Facebook there are the beautiful belly pics and the statuses of those happy moms to be gushing about the movements, the preparation all the wonders that goes along with pregnancy. I have three wonderful healthy children. How dare I even feel this way. I have been blessed. Then why do I go to sleep each night and have the same dreams only to wake up feeling that empty feeling over and over?
How do you deal with something like this. I cant talk to anyone about it, they all say, you have three kids, its too late now. So what to do.......suck it up I guess.

Its beginning to feel alot like Christmas

Did some shopping last night, of course spent just alittle too much so we will be tight having enough money till next pay.
I have been feeling yuck for a few days, I caught Steve's cold and have had a sore throat, fever, nasty body aches. But hoping its on its way out. The night I caught it the body aches were so bad and I felt so awful it caused anxiety. It sucked. I hate any ounce of anxiety. The same night however I found out via Facebook that my Aunt has breast cancer :( So I have been thinking alot about family.
Remembering what family was when I was growing up and what it is now. My own family is a great unit. But when I think about my mom and sister and stepsister I just cant get over how seriously messed up things are.
None of us get along at all. My own blood sister is my worst enemy, she spends her time ensuring that everyone she knows gets the impression that I am the "crazy one" I have been lucky enough to be called that since my panic attacks became aware to here. I could understand if she was truly ignorant about such illnesses but she works with challenged individuals so you would think she would have enough understanding to know a panic disorder does not warrant one being "crazy". My stepsister stopped talking to me after we went to my moms for dinner(my family) and did not invite her. ??? Makes little sense to me. Then I have my mom who plays sides with all of us. I know I am truly not someone she wants around, she made it clear last Christmas when she told me I was not the child she deserved.
Do we dwell on such things or do we just move on with our own lives and family. Ensuring our children are never made to feel as awful as our outside family has made us feel. My family was my dad, he knew unconditional love for his children as he would have for his Grandchildren, he knew many many years ago that my sister was a jealous person capable of very mean things. He was right. He knew that I would never be accepted in my moms "New" family, he was right. The wisest most caring person in my life was taken from me, and I wonder why? What did I do to deserve it? What did he do? Things happen for a reason, then I want my reason for it. Dont I atleast deserve that much

UGH!!!

So I failed at not googling :( I spent over an hour last night looking up liver, pancreas, gallbladder issues. I still have the weird "pain" that an organ is swollen or something. I thought about it off and on all day.
I also realized that I am miserable in my daily life. A place I once use to really enjoy going to each day I  dread. So much tension, disrespect and dislike for the entire aspect and atmosphere. If it was not so close to Christmas I would quit. But I need to suck it up, get presents bought and bills paid and then take another look at the situation. Its hard to be so unhappy everyday and I am sure its not helping the fact that my anxiety is rising.
I have been feeling EXTREME guilt about kicking out my niece. I know its not healthy to have her back here but its so hard to not feel awful about the whole thing.
At this point I think skipping ahead to spring would be wonderful. No darker days, snow, cold and just plain yuck. It is such a depressing time of the year. My kids are already super excited about Christmas, I feel bad because although I dont show them, inside I just hate Christmas and to me hate is a very strong word.

Well its that time of the year

Our house is now decorated for the holidays, lights are up, tree is up and the stress level rises. Ever since having children I have found that instead of it being a happy joyous time it ends up being a time of worry over money and gifts. I wish Christmas was really just about family and spending time together but we all know how commercialized it has become. The push for the best toys, best decorations, best food and more. I plan on teaching my children the true importance of it all even with all the outside influences of every.single.store, commercials and just about everything else we see on a daily basis.
So seeing the decorations remind me of how little time I have to get everything ready, and come up with the money for it all.
It was a good weekend overall, too short. My kids are slightly miserable today which makes for a very long day. Lots of tantrums and yelling from them all. My 13 yr old finds it alot of fun to torment the younger 2. I imagine we all would do the same.
I have had the full feeling under my right rib for a few days now. Hate the feeling. Almost like there is an organ in there that is too big. Trying hard to not let it absorb my mind. Mainly avoiding the dreaded google. Still havent got to the gym :( Had a bad migraine late last night that decided to hang around today as well. So the weekend in the fitness department was a bust. Boo.
Really need to start looking at my life with a positive outlook. Be happy that we are all happy, and healthy and accept what comes along, deal with it and move on. Try and go with the words "this too shall pass" which it always does. In the moment its hard to believe it will but it always does.
Feeling fat, old and blah but trying not to sink into that imagine. I have a pile of jeans I need to try on but I am not sure if I want to do it and feel horrible about my weight or not.

Its been so long!

Well its been quite the year! We are in the second week of November already. My 16 yr old niece came to live with us the beginning of February and I am sorry to say we had to ask her to leave last week :( I tried to do everything for her and help her heal her past but she just was not on track and wouldnt attempt to be. The final straw came when she stole from us and did not have any regrets.
I had my second surgery of the year recently. First one was the second attempt at a 2nd metatarsal head re-section. It failed miserably and I was in pain for months. The doctors tried to have me on slow release morphine daily but I did what I could to avoid it.
I started working as well. I had started my own cleaning business and quickly ended up with 19 clients!!! It was going very well, Steve was still in school so the extra money helped alot. One of my clients owns a very large housing company and vineyards and ended up hiring Steve full time. They asked me to help out one afternoon in the vineyard and next thing you know it became full time! I was putting in lots of time and learning quickly. I went from a pruner to vineyard manager in a mnth! Which also came with a $5 an hour raise. So I stopped cleaning for everyone but them as time didnt allow for anything. I love my job as much as I hate it at times. LOL It takes alot out of me but can be very rewarding.
So I just had my third surgery for my foot. Fingers crossed that everything works this time although I have some nights that it hurts really bad. I pray its just healing and soon enough I will be pain free.
As for the anxiety, I have to say it really was at bay for a very long time. Then with the stress of my niece and work I started to feel it come back. I found myself checking my blood pressure again and having moments of panic. I am hoping now that she is gone things will settle back down.
I am desperate to get back to working out and eating well as I have been doing very poorly at that. With working so often take out has been the easy way of eating and I am back up to 132 lbs :( I need the great feeling that comes with the exercise and proper eating again. I am waiting on a gastroscope to check things out as I have been having gallbladder pain for many months but because nothing shows on ultrasound they want to eliminate any other issues before taking it out. I figure the 2 surgeries I have had this year plus getting my wisdom teeth out(YAY ME!)  is more than enough for one year and once they get this gallbladder stuff sorted out there is nothing but smooth sailing with my health! I hope to get back to writing in here as often as I can! I have lots more to express but will save it for another post. P.S. I am officially the mom to a teen, my oldest daughter turned 13 today!!! Man I feel old!

Back on track

Things are getting back on track!!!
I am back at the gym and loving every second. We take the kids swimming every day for atleast 2 hours and its so good for all of us. It tires them out and helps them sleep better and it is a really fun family thing. Then Steve and I head back to the gym around 8-10pm and work our butts off. I am actually sleeping better at night than i have in years. I feel strong and healthier.

I got the results of the ultrasound on my legs and it was 100% negative for any DVT's in my legs!!! YAY

I have also completely weaned off one med, and am working slowly on another and then one more after that. The gym keeps my anxiety in check so well.

So I am due to try yet again to have my wisdom teeth out on the 9th. Truth be told I am petrified. Not about pain or any of that but about being in the "twlight" state. Whenever I have used gas before I panic. I do not like the feeling at all and I start to freak out. They use gas and then something in an IV that doesnt put you fully out. I am sooo scared to feel that way. Steve had his done and I saw how he was and he was soooo dopey and almost high and I HATE that. I just need to realize that I have been through alot worse and get it over with,

Then I have an MRI at the end of Feb. I am not really too nervous about it. I hope that it turns out my twitches and super reflexes are just benign. My hand tremors are getting alittle worse but they say it will happen with age. Oh the joys of aging!!! LOL

Then my foot surgery is on March 4th. Not worried about the surgery, alittle worried about the pain because the last time I had surgery on it I woke up in alot of pain and the surgery wasnt as extensive as this one. I have  already talked to the personal trainers at the gym and we are working out a plan so I can still use almost all of the equipment, or atleast waist and up!! LOL They have hand pedal bikes for the cardio and since it is a boot cast I can take it off and swim once the stitches are out.

After sugery thats it!!! I am done., no more docs, surgeries, or anything! DONE!!! LOL
It is no fun having a hysterectomy and foot surgery in 5 mnths. I am getting my abdominals in so much better shape since my hysterectomy though and for the first time in years my iron levels are normal. So it was a good idea to have it. It is still hard to read about people TTC'ing and having babies but I have three gorgeous babies and that is nothing to be upset about. They are my everything.

Well 2010 so far.................

I had a good Christmas with my husband and children but had a huge falling out on Christmas day with my mom and her husband. It got nasty. I spent the day in tears. Same with the New Year. I have been trying to wean off ativan for quite awhile but when I get down to one pill I start having horrible twitches. I have them right now and its keeping me up despite anxiety and sleeping meds. It scares me, I am waiting on an MRI but it will be 1-2 mnths. I was looking forward to starting the New Year getting back to the gym as it helps relieve the anxiety but I bent over to pick something up one evening and had a horrid pain. Couldnt even walk. So after testing it seems as though I have a herniated disk in my back :( So no gym for me yet. Still very paanoid abot blood clots, its my health anxiety obsession at the moment. I check the pulses in my legs and feet several times a day, measure each leg too see if one is at all swollen. I have been to the ER 3 times now and they say I am ok. Then to top off my anxiety a person from when I went to highschool and is 2 mnths younger than me died last week suddenly from a clot that went to his lung. So now my anxiety is much worse. I just want one day where I feel healthy and don worry. Just one and then maybe I can be more positive or atleast less scared

Horrible day, HUGE setback :(

I started having chest pains before heading to bed around 4am, I tossed and turned until 11am and got up and went to the ER. They hooked me up to the monitors and ran tests, while waiting for the tests to come back, I lost it. I was shaking and pinching myself to try and distract myself, I was having panic unlike anything I have had in years. I was sure something was wrong, that the blood clot test would show I had one in my lung or that my cardiac enzymes would show damage to my heart. I was sooooooo scared, 2 Klonopin never touched the anxiety. All the tests came back perfect. Yet I am terrified to go to sleep now. I am scared the pains will come back. I have failed and broken again :(   I am so sad, confused and feeling so alone.

And that was a huge waste of time

After all the research I did looking at different medications as an option and everything that I spent my time on to talk to my doctor about he ignored it all! He gave me a script for seroquel!!! Which #1 is for Bipolar and schizo and I have anxiety and panic and #2 one of the side effects is weight gain which he knows I have huge issues with. I struggled most of my teens and early 20's with a bad eating disorder. I do not handle gaining any weight easily. So I am back to square one. No help with the sleep or the meds or anything. He did nothing but completely upset me. He claimed I was OCD'ing about everything. I said I just wanted some answers. I am on two benzo's that are no longer helping and since he has me on them long term, either raise the dose or figure something out. So his way is adding yet more meds. I mean, I am on Paxil, Propanolol, Klonopin, Ativan and he wants to add Seroquel? I have kids, I need to be able to function during the day. It causes major tiredness which would be good if it just lasted for bedtime not all day.
I was so worked up from my appt that I came home and fell asleep on the couch for a few hours so my changes of sleeping tonight are even less. Its 2:30 am already. I dont know what to do. Cant get another doctor till he retires in June, cant see a specialist because I am not considered Bad enough. They only take the people that are at the ER every day or getting arrested. So he has helped me get hooked on 2 benzos been on them almost 3 years, the Paxil 13 years and the Propanolol a year. He admits that the chances the Paxil is helping me since I have been on the max dose for many many years are slim. Basically I take it to avoid withdrawals. Same with the Ativan and Klonopin. They dont work anymore, but in order not to have withdrawals I have to keep them in my system. Fun stuff! I had him check my liver function today to make sure these meds are atleast not doing any damage. I dont know. I feel even more lost now. I guess the goal is to deal with things the best I can till June when he retires and get a real doctor I can trust. Since its the Christmas season and winter it will be tough but I am determined to fight this stupid demon and if I have to do it on my own so be it.

I am going in armed and ready for answers!!!!!

I see my regular family doctor tomorrow. I never enjoy this as he almost makes me feel like a bother and has gotten me pretty messed up in the medication department. He is retiring in June and I have decided that I am not going to allow him to leave me with the mess he has created with my meds.
I did a ton of research tonight on different medications and options. There was one medication that I was on previously gabapentin and it was working not too bad but my drug plan did not pay for it and I could not longer afford it. So I have done more reading and there is a newer better version of it called pregabalin. I am not sure whether or not it is covered or not but after doing much research I have come across forms my doctor can fill out to the Ministry of Health to request that the drug be covered. So I am printing the forms out and bringing them along with all the research I have done. Since I take 2 benzos that I have built up a tolerance for an no longer sleep I know that I have to do something and since he is my doctor I am damn well going to make him accountable and let him know that it is his primary responsibility to help me get on the right meds. Since I have tried almost every med out there I dont think the Ministry will deny our request for the drug. It is normally used for nerve pain but has shown alot of promising things for anxiety and insomnia with little to no interactions or side effects.
So beyond that I am demanding that he test my adrenals. My surgeon mentioned that it was something my doctor should have checked long ago but he hasnt and he keeps putting me off. Well no more. Tomorrow he will be giving me the req for the test. Its my health, and I am not going to let him think that its ok to make me feel small because I have health anxiety. I have legitimate reasons to see him just like everyone else.
Ugh enough talk about him. My 6 week appt went great, I got the ok for the gym!!! and for sex. However I must admit I am BEYOND terrified about the sex. I mean I just had stitches holding things closed. I have read some horrible stories and I am just plain scared. Thankfully my husband respects that to a degree. I know I have to smarten up and not wait forever. I cannot believe it has been 6 weeks since my surgery. What a blur. Since the anxiety came back so full force it makes for days that just blend into one another. Wake up, eat, sleep. I need to break out of the rut and the first step is getting some sleep. Its now 2:30 am so looks like a good time to start!

Finally the 6 weeks post op mark

My appt is in just over an hour. I had maybe 2 hours of sleep. It is going to be a long day. I will admit I am not looking  forward to starting it by being examined down below but what has to be done does I guess. I am worried the lack of sleep might cause some anxiety today so I may have a nap when I come home. I see my regular doctor tomorrow regarding the insomnia and I need to discuss all these meds I am on that do not work anymore. To take 2 tablets of 2 different benzo's plus a beta blocker and my paxil and not even feel the slightest bit tired when it use to knock me right out tells me that I have built up a complete tolerance. Up'ing the dose I dont think is our best option but stopping them scares me even more. I guess we will see.

Where is my one step forward

I know where my two steps back are. But would love to have that one step forward.
Today didnt start out to bad but an hour ago I started feeling dizzy and just unwell and I took my blood pressure which was 138/83 so way up from my normal reading. That typically set me off into a panic. I dont know what triggered things. I am not sure if the dizziness was actually the start of an attack or if it was something else and it just set the rest off, I took many more BP reading typically. It has come down some which is good. I had to take a klonopin because I was just starting to peak way too much,
I am so angry though. It seems like I cannot get a grip on this at all. Before it was more actual events or health type things that set me off and now it seems like they just come out of the blue. I dont want to go back there. It was hell. Ever since surgery it seems I have no control on this at all. Like it has just thrown everything off. I see my surgeon on Thursday and I PRAY that it is not the last time, I hope he agrees to see me a few more times. Then I see my regular doc on Friday. But that will be a waste of time as per usual. But atleast I will get my med refills.
So here I sit, frustrated and angry, slightly panicked, anxious and worn out. I want to be the healthy 33 yr old that I think I am. That I know somewhere inside I am. But all the books and sites and doctors and meds in the world just cant get me there. I know its me, I have to do it. But I dont know how to start. I try and then I have a setback so I assume its not working. I have decided to give my anxiety a face, monster like, and a name. I have written down that I want him to go away and never come back. It feels alittle silly but after 18 years, I NEED and WANT my life back. I want to live each day and not live each day thinking I am dying.
Enjoy my kids, my husband, learn to love myself.  But I feel like a small pebble lost amongst huge boulders,

To be continued.....

Well the rest of my day was about the same as the first part.  I took my son out shopping for a bit, we had a good time and then dropped my daughter and her friend off at the movies. So I kept somewhat occupied which always helps. Of course I went into the grocery store and took my blood pressure and got 125/70 something and that peaked my anxiety. I have been looking into supplements for heart health. Then I buy them and am too scared to take them. Drives me crazy.
The worst is that its 2:19am and I am wide awake after 2 Paxil, 2 Klonopin, 2 Ativan and 1 Propanolol. Wide awake. That use to put me right to sleep. Now it does nothing at all. I really need to get a real doctor and get this med stuff straightened around because I cant keep going on with no sleep or sleeping in the mornings instead.
I NEED the gym back. It helped with the anxiety and the sleep alittle. My doctor still has not okayed it, I am not sure when he will :( 6 weeks without it has been horrible. It was "my time" I would get on that treadmill and just give it all I had, let all the stress, anxiety, anger, everything go into my workout. Always left feeling healthy and much calmer. It isnt often that I can say I feel healthy either.
I just want to get past Christmas as quickly as possible and on to Spring. I dread the snow and dark and cold. It just seems to really put a huge damper on my mood. Plus I am terrified to drive in the snow so it leave me home ALOT.
I actually let my husband read my blog for the first time today. He had no idea I had one. He seems to think everything stems from having a sick parent and then him dying. Possibly, I also have always believed that people that suffer with anxiety etc are wired differently than other people. Its usually the event that triggers things but the wiring is already there. What I wouldnt give to be the one that figured it all out, came up with a permenant cure, no meds, or anything. Ya I know. Nice dream.
I just want everyone that suffers from mental illness to be able to live their lives, to be able to be treated the same as everyone else even if we are different. We are only different if you choose to look at us that way. We have enough turmoil and pain without worrying about others opinions or comments or labels. The worst part is the doctors are the ones that are usually the most guilty. You go to see them and right away whatever you are saying, they are thinking in their head "what is it now, more anxiety, more health problems that dont exist" Have any of you tried CBT???? If so I would love to hear some feedback on it. I have been looking into it. Seems there is quite a waiting list. I am not classified as severe enough and cannot even get a psychiatrist because I have only been hospitalized once for mental health and you have to been in twice. Funny thing is they do everything they can to avoid admitting you that second time. I was suicidal and got sent home. But with free healthcare, you get what you pay for right.

WHY????

I woke up shaking. Already feeling anxious before I open my eyes. My fault I suppose I woke up briefly and had a pain in my thigh so I read on DVT and then put heat on it and elevated it and went back to sleep. Never good going to sleep with those thoughts. I am having trouble shaking the anxiousness so I took a Klonopin. I started to decorate for Christmas and then realized I have like 4 things!!!! Must have sold alot when we were hard up for money. Seeing how we are even harder up for money now I guess I wont be decorating much. Its dark and gray. Good day to match my mood. I have taken my blood pressure already 6 or more times. Pulse too many to count. My husband and children just got home so I will finish this later. Hopefully when I am feeling much better.

My thoughts today

Started off on a bad note, I didnt sleep well and woke up feeling just unwell and anxious. I didnt take any meds all day though I probably could have used them.
My worries today were everything from my blood pressure, to blood clots, to a clot going to my lung, to having complications from the surgery, to thinking my gallbladder was hurting, my temp being up every.single.evening., gaining weight, circulation and I am sure more that I am missing.
My blood pressure has been one of my #1 worries for years now, I get readings of 110/70 and lower while at rest usually. If I am anxious they go to 120/70. Then I take it after coming down the stairs and not resting first etc and I get 125/68 and although I know that its because I JUST came down the stairs, I worry. I think about taking my BP all day long but have managed to resist. At one point I would take it approx every 5 minutes all day long. Same with my temperature. Which I am still doing in the evenings because it has been 99-99.6 every evening. Not quite a fever but it only happens in the evening. So what do I do..........thats right I google!!! Of course I get everything from TB to leukemia and more. Never something that says oh its normal, only the hardcore scare the crap out of me stuff. My fault for googling.
I have started wondering if I actually take some time and grief my dad's death (died in 1991 when I was 15) by going to a group maybe I will be able to let a few things go. I know I have yet to grief. Which is pretty bad. But its almost like if I do, then its real, but I mean all these years later its obviously real. I always think that was what triggered my health anxiety but when I truly think about it, it started much earlier and only spiraled when he died. Now he was always sick, even when I was very young. He had a heart attack very early on in his and my life. I remember being scared at times going out with him and he would get winded and have to take his nitro. Seeing the countless medications he needed to take. Visiting him in the hospital after a bypass surgery and seeing all the scary things hooked up to him.
I have always worried. Always. Excessively. I dont know what life is like to not worry like I do. I see my husband have a blood pressure of 155/114 because of pain and yet he never checks it again. He just doesnt worry and assumes that its fine now. Why cant I be that person? I have been let down countless numbers of times by doctors.
I was in pain for months at age 15, went to the ER over and over, my mom was getting mad at me and thinking I was faking, the doctors told me I was ovulating or it was just in my head. I tried to make them listen. Then finally a blood test showed something was wrong and I was called out of school to be admitted for emergency surgery. I had a very large ovarian cyst that was causing bleeding and other problems.
Then at 19 I went to the ER not even able to stand up straight with abdominal pain and vomitting. Again the doctor told me it was ovulation pain!!! My boyfriend said No, that I was not ok and we were not leaving until they did bloodwork. The doctor never even came back in the room, I was admitted and had surgery on my appendix right away. Now what would have happened if I had taken that painkiller and went home to bed???
At 20 I got a + pregnancy test but was having alittle pain so I went to the ER. They did blood work and an ultrasound. Next thing you know I have an IV in my hand and its going in so fast my whole arm is freezing. No one is saying anything. Then I get handed a big envelope that was my ultrasound results and they cap off my IV and told me I had to go to another hospital right away as my pregnancy was in my tube and I would need surgery. I cried the whole drive there. After 2 minutes with an OB/GYN they had looked at the ultrasound and told me the doctor read it wrong and congratulations I was pregnant and everything was perfect, go home!!
Well after that pregnancy I had my 3 day post partum check up at my doctors, I had high BP when I delivered and after but they said it would go away. So he takes my BP but never says anything and sends me on my way. That night I felt really bad so I went to the ER, they check records and my BP in his office that day was 200/110 and he sent me home!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then pregnancy #2 had pain, went to the ER. Did a urine sample for pregnancy instead of bloodwork. I had already gotten 2+ at home. They tell me its negative there is no way I am pregnant. Diagnose me with renal colic and give me a script for pain meds(which would not be safe for a pregnant person) I go to Walmart get two more tests. One digital. It comes up pregnant right away, so I walk back in and show them 4 tests and say What the hell??? Turns out their tests were all bad. The blood test was positive. Had I listened and taken the meds I would have caused the baby problems.
After baby#2 I feel really crappy again and head to the ER. They sent me home to early and my BP had skyrocketed. I was admitted right away for another week. Had I stayed home I wouldve likely had a stroke
Baby#3. Should be expecting it to happen right?? Well I know I was. Felt crappy, went to the OB's he had the nerve to tell me that my BP was low, like 100/55. I have my own monitor plus checked it at a pharmacy and it was 200/110 and climbing. So I go to the Er a few hours later because I am feeling really bad. Started on emerg meds to lower my BP and readmitted to the hospital where I spent weeks without my newborn. On a surgical floor, while my OB did nothing. For weeks he did nothing and finally called a cardiologist who prescribed me meds and sent me home.
Went to the ER about 2 years ago with pains in my chest, they did cardiac enzyme tests, one came back elevated so I had to wait 6 hours and have it redone. It was still elevated. So they kept me overnight and did a stress test in the am. Passed it so they said go home. I was back in a few hours with the same horrible pain. rapid pulse as well. They decided to keep me again because I was having tachycardiac episodes. They gave me heparin and told me I would have a lung scan in the morning. Well scan was clean so without doing any blood work they were just going to send me home even though I was in major pain. So I demanded bloodwork. Well low and behold, I had pancreatitis. Could have said some testing if they had just checked blood work first!!!!
I am sure I have more but rethinking about all that gives me shivers. The doc who did my surgeon is an OB/GYN. He is amazing. I trust him completely. He reassures me, double checks everything and understands my fear. What I wouldnt give to have him as a family doctor :( I dont know how to trust doctors anymore when I have been through so much. My family doctor now just gives me whatever I ask for. I asked for a script for blood pressure meds in case my blood pressure rises even though its not high and he gave it to me. He couldnt remember prescribing two benzos to me. He actually tells me I stress him out and that I am crazy. He cant retire soon enough yet I am sooooo scared that I will have someone even worse, someone that stops the drugs. Or listens even less.
When you have health anxiety, to everyone around you, everything you feel is always in your head. Anxiety is blamed for every sneeze, every headache, every quick heart beat. You are automatically labelled and not taken seriously, Even with family. Its like you are stuck in this world of your own terrified because no one listens anymore. Like you have cried wolf too many times, even though many of those times were legit.
Where is the way out. I cant just stop worrying. I dont want to die, I want to live, see my kids grow up and have kids. My dad missed out on that. I dont want that. I cant leave my kids to suffer like I did with the loss of a parent. My 12 yr old already suffers from anxiety. While its not health anxiety it is defintely a form developing. I did that. I gave her the genes, let her see my behaviour. I caused that.  Now where does mine come from?
Is there a way out? Am I going to be like this forever? I want to just live! Love life, not worry about everything. Not wonder why, if, when, what, all the time. Steves grandma is dying from lung cancer. She starts radiation this week. It will not sure it. But it will buy her some time. Time that she will spend feeling the horrible ill effects of the treatments. My grandpa had lung cancer, decided to go through treatments. Died during his first treatment of a heart attack. His body couldnt do it. She is 85 I dont know how well she will take it. We are going to see her decline, and eventually die. I watched Steve's grandfather die and it still haunts me even though he passed quite peacefully.
Wow this is really all over the place!!! LOL Good for you if you managed to get through it. I just have so much to say and no one to say it too. My husband doesnt understand, tells me he doesnt know how to help. :( I have no counsellor, no real friends, my family and I are not close and wont talk about it with me anyway. I am alone in it. Not even a group I can attend. All I have is the forums, which at times can be more harm than good as you tend to pick up new ideas and diseases!!!!
My doctor thinks I am the way I am because I know to much. Medicine fascinates me and I know alot about it. Too much by far. I can read my own blood results and no what everything means, same with most tests. I can tell my doctor what I have and what med I need. Or even for my husband. He had constant headaches and I said what about Propanolol and sure enough the doc said yup that is the best bet. But I still at home and use it for bad and not good. But I am not strong enough to work. I need to get this figured out. I need people to talk to and share with. I need understanding most of all.