The ramblings of mind many call crazy

2011-01-21T17:41:00.000-08:00

Again I have slacked on this blog!
Made it through Christmas, wasnt as horrible as I was expecting. Kids were happy and thats what matters the most. the depression from being laid off and being completely broke for the past month of so has been awful. Sleeping pattern is all messed up. I am staying up way to late and sleeping in. No energy, and havent been to the gym. We were taking the kids swimming daily at the Y but we hit a cold spell and the were freezing afterwards. My anxiety was up this week and last. My old boss emailed me and wanted me to do a bunch of work even though I am not on his pay roll. typically I did it. UGH. The second I get an email from him my mood changes. he treats me like his slave. Good news is I found another job! At a popular winery/vineyard! It doesnt start till March but atleast I got it. I was anxious before the interview. I really just wanted things to go back to the way they were last summer. Working with Steve and Madison. Boss not being a jerk. It was good times. Now I have to work without Steve. Which is normal but since we have spent so much time together typically I have built up a co-dependency. Boo to that.
I really really want to get back to an exercise and healthy diet routine as I know I would feel better. But its getting into the groove of it. I get so depressed in the winter. I dont even open my blinds. I hate the dark dreary snow. I need the sun back. I go for tans and I always feel better afterwards. Might be a vitamin D thing.
Steve is depressed too I think. He hasnt been the same. He is getting lots of headaches and has zero ambition as well. Its not like him to be so down. He finds out on Monday about a job and I am hoping that might help. Poor kids have two bummed out parents. I do everything to make sure they dont notice anything. Still play with them all fun and happy and show them only happy spirits. Madison has been doing modeling. She has an amazing gift. Her pictures and look is fabulous! Raelynn has done a shoot with her as well. I have two very photogenic daughters. Kaden isnt a fan of the camera much like mommy and daddy. He has become an amazing swimmer, Quite a daredevil and his talked has improved soooooo much!
So its just going to take a good kick in the ass for me to get motivated and start working to feel better. No more poor me. I can do it. I have to do it.

2010-12-11T19:14:00.000-08:00

So not much happening in my world. Anxiety is rising still. Find myself googling alot. I had a gastroscopy the other day that I was anxious about, I triple checked with them that I would be out for it and the told me I would not remember a thing. Well they used a benzo and it didnt even touch me so I was fully awake during it. It was awful. I gagged and thought I was going to choke to death. Nothing found during it so onto yet another test. I find myself worrying about Steve going back to work or leaving to go anywhere for that matter, which is bad. I havent been that way for awhile. I think working with him was so comfortable for me as we were together 24/7 and now he could end up working anywhere and any hours.
Depressed about my stupid foot. It is so not right, the pain sucks and its not sitting right it actually overlaps my middle toe. So back to the surgeon to be sent somewhere else in hopes they can fix his screw up. I am 34 I dont think being able to walk without pain is too much to ask.
Wow this is a huge downer of a post. On the upside we are pretty much done christmas shopping. Glad to have it out of the way. Hard to believe its coming so fast.
Winter storm is due tomorrow :( yet another thing that raises me anxiety. Arghhhh

2010-12-05T18:16:00.000-08:00

Feeling like blah....Tis the season. I have had a cold that seems to never end and again today stomach issues. I feel just overall yuck. We had family pictures taken yesterday and I am so happy with them. My oldest Madison had her second photo shoot done. She is sooo perfect and made to model I think.
I actually went on No More Panic tonight. I did not log into the forum but I did read. As well as google today. I just want to feel well, emotionally, mentally and physically. I realized today that I am basically an only child. I have no relationship with my sister or stepsister at all. I truly dont even consider myself to have a sister. She is that cruel and full of hatred I dont even want to acknowledge it. I wonder sometimes how my dad would react to her actions towards me and her own children etc.
No hits on a job for Steve or myself, it sucks....I hope it doesnt last long.

2010-11-24T09:06:00.001-08:00

Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself. Walter Anderson

Way too much in one day

2010-11-22T19:47:00.000-08:00

What a day. Started off by being told that Steve and I were to work in the pouring rain and horrible amounts of mud. It was cold and awful and just plain mean. So long story short our boss sent us home.
My anxiety was up as my boss has been a huge factor in my anxiety returning. I came home had a bath and just felt awful. I have been having diarrhea all weekend and my nerves were high on the pain in my right side. So off to the ER I went. I was full of anxiety. They did bloodwork, xrays and an ultrasound. Everything came back normal. So no answers. Rest and stay stress free until my endoscopy on Dec.8th is what I am to do.
Well, stress free.......that one appears to be impossible in my world. Upon coming home I received an email from my boss and he was giving my husband and I our two week notice. RIGHT BEFORE Christmas!!!! Who does that???? So know I am completely distraught on how we are suppose to make ends meet at all, let alone have a decent Christmas for the kids. Stress free....ugh. My anxiety and depression are in full throttle. I actual am craving ativan. :(

Me again!

2010-11-21T19:22:00.000-08:00

So dreams are dreams. Are they something we long for, something we havent dealt with, or simply a dream? Mine have been haunting. Not at all scary but painful. Recurring dreams of being pregnant. I am so happy and glowing and buying clothes and feeling the baby move and everything seems right in the world. Then I wake up. Empty, without a uterus. No chance of ever feeling a baby move again. I shake it off and go about my day, a trip to the grocery store where it seems that every woman there is pregnant. Sit down and try not to think about it and on Facebook there are the beautiful belly pics and the statuses of those happy moms to be gushing about the movements, the preparation all the wonders that goes along with pregnancy. I have three wonderful healthy children. How dare I even feel this way. I have been blessed. Then why do I go to sleep each night and have the same dreams only to wake up feeling that empty feeling over and over?
How do you deal with something like this. I cant talk to anyone about it, they all say, you have three kids, its too late now. So what to do.......suck it up I guess.

Its beginning to feel alot like Christmas

2010-11-21T15:16:00.000-08:00

Did some shopping last night, of course spent just alittle too much so we will be tight having enough money till next pay.
I have been feeling yuck for a few days, I caught Steve's cold and have had a sore throat, fever, nasty body aches. But hoping its on its way out. The night I caught it the body aches were so bad and I felt so awful it caused anxiety. It sucked. I hate any ounce of anxiety. The same night however I found out via Facebook that my Aunt has breast cancer :( So I have been thinking alot about family.
Remembering what family was when I was growing up and what it is now. My own family is a great unit. But when I think about my mom and sister and stepsister I just cant get over how seriously messed up things are.
None of us get along at all. My own blood sister is my worst enemy, she spends her time ensuring that everyone she knows gets the impression that I am the "crazy one" I have been lucky enough to be called that since my panic attacks became aware to here. I could understand if she was truly ignorant about such illnesses but she works with challenged individuals so you would think she would have enough understanding to know a panic disorder does not warrant one being "crazy". My stepsister stopped talking to me after we went to my moms for dinner(my family) and did not invite her. ??? Makes little sense to me. Then I have my mom who plays sides with all of us. I know I am truly not someone she wants around, she made it clear last Christmas when she told me I was not the child she deserved.
Do we dwell on such things or do we just move on with our own lives and family. Ensuring our children are never made to feel as awful as our outside family has made us feel. My family was my dad, he knew unconditional love for his children as he would have for his Grandchildren, he knew many many years ago that my sister was a jealous person capable of very mean things. He was right. He knew that I would never be accepted in my moms "New" family, he was right. The wisest most caring person in my life was taken from me, and I wonder why? What did I do to deserve it? What did he do? Things happen for a reason, then I want my reason for it. Dont I atleast deserve that much

UGH!!!

2010-11-15T19:07:00.000-08:00

So I failed at not googling :( I spent over an hour last night looking up liver, pancreas, gallbladder issues. I still have the weird "pain" that an organ is swollen or something. I thought about it off and on all day.
I also realized that I am miserable in my daily life. A place I once use to really enjoy going to each day I dread. So much tension, disrespect and dislike for the entire aspect and atmosphere. If it was not so close to Christmas I would quit. But I need to suck it up, get presents bought and bills paid and then take another look at the situation. Its hard to be so unhappy everyday and I am sure its not helping the fact that my anxiety is rising.
I have been feeling EXTREME guilt about kicking out my niece. I know its not healthy to have her back here but its so hard to not feel awful about the whole thing.
At this point I think skipping ahead to spring would be wonderful. No darker days, snow, cold and just plain yuck. It is such a depressing time of the year. My kids are already super excited about Christmas, I feel bad because although I dont show them, inside I just hate Christmas and to me hate is a very strong word.

Well its that time of the year

2010-11-14T13:56:00.000-08:00

Our house is now decorated for the holidays, lights are up, tree is up and the stress level rises. Ever since having children I have found that instead of it being a happy joyous time it ends up being a time of worry over money and gifts. I wish Christmas was really just about family and spending time together but we all know how commercialized it has become. The push for the best toys, best decorations, best food and more. I plan on teaching my children the true importance of it all even with all the outside influences of every.single.store, commercials and just about everything else we see on a daily basis.
So seeing the decorations remind me of how little time I have to get everything ready, and come up with the money for it all.
It was a good weekend overall, too short. My kids are slightly miserable today which makes for a very long day. Lots of tantrums and yelling from them all. My 13 yr old finds it alot of fun to torment the younger 2. I imagine we all would do the same.
I have had the full feeling under my right rib for a few days now. Hate the feeling. Almost like there is an organ in there that is too big. Trying hard to not let it absorb my mind. Mainly avoiding the dreaded google. Still havent got to the gym :( Had a bad migraine late last night that decided to hang around today as well. So the weekend in the fitness department was a bust. Boo.
Really need to start looking at my life with a positive outlook. Be happy that we are all happy, and healthy and accept what comes along, deal with it and move on. Try and go with the words "this too shall pass" which it always does. In the moment its hard to believe it will but it always does.
Feeling fat, old and blah but trying not to sink into that imagine. I have a pile of jeans I need to try on but I am not sure if I want to do it and feel horrible about my weight or not.

Its been so long!

2010-11-13T19:31:00.000-08:00

Well its been quite the year! We are in the second week of November already. My 16 yr old niece came to live with us the beginning of February and I am sorry to say we had to ask her to leave last week :( I tried to do everything for her and help her heal her past but she just was not on track and wouldnt attempt to be. The final straw came when she stole from us and did not have any regrets.
I had my second surgery of the year recently. First one was the second attempt at a 2nd metatarsal head re-section. It failed miserably and I was in pain for months. The doctors tried to have me on slow release morphine daily but I did what I could to avoid it.
I started working as well. I had started my own cleaning business and quickly ended up with 19 clients!!! It was going very well, Steve was still in school so the extra money helped alot. One of my clients owns a very large housing company and vineyards and ended up hiring Steve full time. They asked me to help out one afternoon in the vineyard and next thing you know it became full time! I was putting in lots of time and learning quickly. I went from a pruner to vineyard manager in a mnth! Which also came with a $5 an hour raise. So I stopped cleaning for everyone but them as time didnt allow for anything. I love my job as much as I hate it at times. LOL It takes alot out of me but can be very rewarding.
So I just had my third surgery for my foot. Fingers crossed that everything works this time although I have some nights that it hurts really bad. I pray its just healing and soon enough I will be pain free.
As for the anxiety, I have to say it really was at bay for a very long time. Then with the stress of my niece and work I started to feel it come back. I found myself checking my blood pressure again and having moments of panic. I am hoping now that she is gone things will settle back down.
I am desperate to get back to working out and eating well as I have been doing very poorly at that. With working so often take out has been the easy way of eating and I am back up to 132 lbs :( I need the great feeling that comes with the exercise and proper eating again. I am waiting on a gastroscope to check things out as I have been having gallbladder pain for many months but because nothing shows on ultrasound they want to eliminate any other issues before taking it out. I figure the 2 surgeries I have had this year plus getting my wisdom teeth out(YAY ME!) is more than enough for one year and once they get this gallbladder stuff sorted out there is nothing but smooth sailing with my health! I hope to get back to writing in here as often as I can! I have lots more to express but will save it for another post. P.S. I am officially the mom to a teen, my oldest daughter turned 13 today!!! Man I feel old!

Back on track

2010-01-29T19:56:00.000-08:00

Things are getting back on track!!!
I am back at the gym and loving every second. We take the kids swimming every day for atleast 2 hours and its so good for all of us. It tires them out and helps them sleep better and it is a really fun family thing. Then Steve and I head back to the gym around 8-10pm and work our butts off. I am actually sleeping better at night than i have in years. I feel strong and healthier.

I got the results of the ultrasound on my legs and it was 100% negative for any DVT's in my legs!!! YAY

I have also completely weaned off one med, and am working slowly on another and then one more after that. The gym keeps my anxiety in check so well.

So I am due to try yet again to have my wisdom teeth out on the 9th. Truth be told I am petrified. Not about pain or any of that but about being in the "twlight" state. Whenever I have used gas before I panic. I do not like the feeling at all and I start to freak out. They use gas and then something in an IV that doesnt put you fully out. I am sooo scared to feel that way. Steve had his done and I saw how he was and he was soooo dopey and almost high and I HATE that. I just need to realize that I have been through alot worse and get it over with,

Then I have an MRI at the end of Feb. I am not really too nervous about it. I hope that it turns out my twitches and super reflexes are just benign. My hand tremors are getting alittle worse but they say it will happen with age. Oh the joys of aging!!! LOL

Then my foot surgery is on March 4th. Not worried about the surgery, alittle worried about the pain because the last time I had surgery on it I woke up in alot of pain and the surgery wasnt as extensive as this one. I have already talked to the personal trainers at the gym and we are working out a plan so I can still use almost all of the equipment, or atleast waist and up!! LOL They have hand pedal bikes for the cardio and since it is a boot cast I can take it off and swim once the stitches are out.

After sugery thats it!!! I am done., no more docs, surgeries, or anything! DONE!!! LOL
It is no fun having a hysterectomy and foot surgery in 5 mnths. I am getting my abdominals in so much better shape since my hysterectomy though and for the first time in years my iron levels are normal. So it was a good idea to have it. It is still hard to read about people TTC'ing and having babies but I have three gorgeous babies and that is nothing to be upset about. They are my everything.

Well 2010 so far.................

2010-01-12T22:51:00.000-08:00

I had a good Christmas with my husband and children but had a huge falling out on Christmas day with my mom and her husband. It got nasty. I spent the day in tears. Same with the New Year. I have been trying to wean off ativan for quite awhile but when I get down to one pill I start having horrible twitches. I have them right now and its keeping me up despite anxiety and sleeping meds. It scares me, I am waiting on an MRI but it will be 1-2 mnths. I was looking forward to starting the New Year getting back to the gym as it helps relieve the anxiety but I bent over to pick something up one evening and had a horrid pain. Couldnt even walk. So after testing it seems as though I have a herniated disk in my back :( So no gym for me yet. Still very paanoid abot blood clots, its my health anxiety obsession at the moment. I check the pulses in my legs and feet several times a day, measure each leg too see if one is at all swollen. I have been to the ER 3 times now and they say I am ok. Then to top off my anxiety a person from when I went to highschool and is 2 mnths younger than me died last week suddenly from a clot that went to his lung. So now my anxiety is much worse. I just want one day where I feel healthy and don worry. Just one and then maybe I can be more positive or atleast less scared

Horrible day, HUGE setback :(

2009-11-21T21:25:00.000-08:00

I started having chest pains before heading to bed around 4am, I tossed and turned until 11am and got up and went to the ER. They hooked me up to the monitors and ran tests, while waiting for the tests to come back, I lost it. I was shaking and pinching myself to try and distract myself, I was having panic unlike anything I have had in years. I was sure something was wrong, that the blood clot test would show I had one in my lung or that my cardiac enzymes would show damage to my heart. I was sooooooo scared, 2 Klonopin never touched the anxiety. All the tests came back perfect. Yet I am terrified to go to sleep now. I am scared the pains will come back. I have failed and broken again :( I am so sad, confused and feeling so alone.

And that was a huge waste of time

2009-11-20T23:36:00.000-08:00

After all the research I did looking at different medications as an option and everything that I spent my time on to talk to my doctor about he ignored it all! He gave me a script for seroquel!!! Which #1 is for Bipolar and schizo and I have anxiety and panic and #2 one of the side effects is weight gain which he knows I have huge issues with. I struggled most of my teens and early 20's with a bad eating disorder. I do not handle gaining any weight easily. So I am back to square one. No help with the sleep or the meds or anything. He did nothing but completely upset me. He claimed I was OCD'ing about everything. I said I just wanted some answers. I am on two benzo's that are no longer helping and since he has me on them long term, either raise the dose or figure something out. So his way is adding yet more meds. I mean, I am on Paxil, Propanolol, Klonopin, Ativan and he wants to add Seroquel? I have kids, I need to be able to function during the day. It causes major tiredness which would be good if it just lasted for bedtime not all day.
I was so worked up from my appt that I came home and fell asleep on the couch for a few hours so my changes of sleeping tonight are even less. Its 2:30 am already. I dont know what to do. Cant get another doctor till he retires in June, cant see a specialist because I am not considered Bad enough. They only take the people that are at the ER every day or getting arrested. So he has helped me get hooked on 2 benzos been on them almost 3 years, the Paxil 13 years and the Propanolol a year. He admits that the chances the Paxil is helping me since I have been on the max dose for many many years are slim. Basically I take it to avoid withdrawals. Same with the Ativan and Klonopin. They dont work anymore, but in order not to have withdrawals I have to keep them in my system. Fun stuff! I had him check my liver function today to make sure these meds are atleast not doing any damage. I dont know. I feel even more lost now. I guess the goal is to deal with things the best I can till June when he retires and get a real doctor I can trust. Since its the Christmas season and winter it will be tough but I am determined to fight this stupid demon and if I have to do it on my own so be it.

I am going in armed and ready for answers!!!!!

2009-11-19T23:30:00.000-08:00

I see my regular family doctor tomorrow. I never enjoy this as he almost makes me feel like a bother and has gotten me pretty messed up in the medication department. He is retiring in June and I have decided that I am not going to allow him to leave me with the mess he has created with my meds.
I did a ton of research tonight on different medications and options. There was one medication that I was on previously gabapentin and it was working not too bad but my drug plan did not pay for it and I could not longer afford it. So I have done more reading and there is a newer better version of it called pregabalin. I am not sure whether or not it is covered or not but after doing much research I have come across forms my doctor can fill out to the Ministry of Health to request that the drug be covered. So I am printing the forms out and bringing them along with all the research I have done. Since I take 2 benzos that I have built up a tolerance for an no longer sleep I know that I have to do something and since he is my doctor I am damn well going to make him accountable and let him know that it is his primary responsibility to help me get on the right meds. Since I have tried almost every med out there I dont think the Ministry will deny our request for the drug. It is normally used for nerve pain but has shown alot of promising things for anxiety and insomnia with little to no interactions or side effects.
So beyond that I am demanding that he test my adrenals. My surgeon mentioned that it was something my doctor should have checked long ago but he hasnt and he keeps putting me off. Well no more. Tomorrow he will be giving me the req for the test. Its my health, and I am not going to let him think that its ok to make me feel small because I have health anxiety. I have legitimate reasons to see him just like everyone else.
Ugh enough talk about him. My 6 week appt went great, I got the ok for the gym!!! and for sex. However I must admit I am BEYOND terrified about the sex. I mean I just had stitches holding things closed. I have read some horrible stories and I am just plain scared. Thankfully my husband respects that to a degree. I know I have to smarten up and not wait forever. I cannot believe it has been 6 weeks since my surgery. What a blur. Since the anxiety came back so full force it makes for days that just blend into one another. Wake up, eat, sleep. I need to break out of the rut and the first step is getting some sleep. Its now 2:30 am so looks like a good time to start!

Finally the 6 weeks post op mark

2009-11-19T05:46:00.000-08:00

My appt is in just over an hour. I had maybe 2 hours of sleep. It is going to be a long day. I will admit I am not looking forward to starting it by being examined down below but what has to be done does I guess. I am worried the lack of sleep might cause some anxiety today so I may have a nap when I come home. I see my regular doctor tomorrow regarding the insomnia and I need to discuss all these meds I am on that do not work anymore. To take 2 tablets of 2 different benzo's plus a beta blocker and my paxil and not even feel the slightest bit tired when it use to knock me right out tells me that I have built up a complete tolerance. Up'ing the dose I dont think is our best option but stopping them scares me even more. I guess we will see.

Where is my one step forward

2009-11-17T16:55:00.000-08:00

I know where my two steps back are. But would love to have that one step forward.
Today didnt start out to bad but an hour ago I started feeling dizzy and just unwell and I took my blood pressure which was 138/83 so way up from my normal reading. That typically set me off into a panic. I dont know what triggered things. I am not sure if the dizziness was actually the start of an attack or if it was something else and it just set the rest off, I took many more BP reading typically. It has come down some which is good. I had to take a klonopin because I was just starting to peak way too much,
I am so angry though. It seems like I cannot get a grip on this at all. Before it was more actual events or health type things that set me off and now it seems like they just come out of the blue. I dont want to go back there. It was hell. Ever since surgery it seems I have no control on this at all. Like it has just thrown everything off. I see my surgeon on Thursday and I PRAY that it is not the last time, I hope he agrees to see me a few more times. Then I see my regular doc on Friday. But that will be a waste of time as per usual. But atleast I will get my med refills.
So here I sit, frustrated and angry, slightly panicked, anxious and worn out. I want to be the healthy 33 yr old that I think I am. That I know somewhere inside I am. But all the books and sites and doctors and meds in the world just cant get me there. I know its me, I have to do it. But I dont know how to start. I try and then I have a setback so I assume its not working. I have decided to give my anxiety a face, monster like, and a name. I have written down that I want him to go away and never come back. It feels alittle silly but after 18 years, I NEED and WANT my life back. I want to live each day and not live each day thinking I am dying.
Enjoy my kids, my husband, learn to love myself. But I feel like a small pebble lost amongst huge boulders,

To be continued.....

2009-11-15T23:32:00.000-08:00

Well the rest of my day was about the same as the first part. I took my son out shopping for a bit, we had a good time and then dropped my daughter and her friend off at the movies. So I kept somewhat occupied which always helps. Of course I went into the grocery store and took my blood pressure and got 125/70 something and that peaked my anxiety. I have been looking into supplements for heart health. Then I buy them and am too scared to take them. Drives me crazy.
The worst is that its 2:19am and I am wide awake after 2 Paxil, 2 Klonopin, 2 Ativan and 1 Propanolol. Wide awake. That use to put me right to sleep. Now it does nothing at all. I really need to get a real doctor and get this med stuff straightened around because I cant keep going on with no sleep or sleeping in the mornings instead.
I NEED the gym back. It helped with the anxiety and the sleep alittle. My doctor still has not okayed it, I am not sure when he will :( 6 weeks without it has been horrible. It was "my time" I would get on that treadmill and just give it all I had, let all the stress, anxiety, anger, everything go into my workout. Always left feeling healthy and much calmer. It isnt often that I can say I feel healthy either.
I just want to get past Christmas as quickly as possible and on to Spring. I dread the snow and dark and cold. It just seems to really put a huge damper on my mood. Plus I am terrified to drive in the snow so it leave me home ALOT.
I actually let my husband read my blog for the first time today. He had no idea I had one. He seems to think everything stems from having a sick parent and then him dying. Possibly, I also have always believed that people that suffer with anxiety etc are wired differently than other people. Its usually the event that triggers things but the wiring is already there. What I wouldnt give to be the one that figured it all out, came up with a permenant cure, no meds, or anything. Ya I know. Nice dream.
I just want everyone that suffers from mental illness to be able to live their lives, to be able to be treated the same as everyone else even if we are different. We are only different if you choose to look at us that way. We have enough turmoil and pain without worrying about others opinions or comments or labels. The worst part is the doctors are the ones that are usually the most guilty. You go to see them and right away whatever you are saying, they are thinking in their head "what is it now, more anxiety, more health problems that dont exist" Have any of you tried CBT???? If so I would love to hear some feedback on it. I have been looking into it. Seems there is quite a waiting list. I am not classified as severe enough and cannot even get a psychiatrist because I have only been hospitalized once for mental health and you have to been in twice. Funny thing is they do everything they can to avoid admitting you that second time. I was suicidal and got sent home. But with free healthcare, you get what you pay for right.

WHY????

2009-11-15T12:22:00.000-08:00

I woke up shaking. Already feeling anxious before I open my eyes. My fault I suppose I woke up briefly and had a pain in my thigh so I read on DVT and then put heat on it and elevated it and went back to sleep. Never good going to sleep with those thoughts. I am having trouble shaking the anxiousness so I took a Klonopin. I started to decorate for Christmas and then realized I have like 4 things!!!! Must have sold alot when we were hard up for money. Seeing how we are even harder up for money now I guess I wont be decorating much. Its dark and gray. Good day to match my mood. I have taken my blood pressure already 6 or more times. Pulse too many to count. My husband and children just got home so I will finish this later. Hopefully when I am feeling much better.

My thoughts today

2009-11-14T23:00:00.000-08:00

Started off on a bad note, I didnt sleep well and woke up feeling just unwell and anxious. I didnt take any meds all day though I probably could have used them.
My worries today were everything from my blood pressure, to blood clots, to a clot going to my lung, to having complications from the surgery, to thinking my gallbladder was hurting, my temp being up every.single.evening., gaining weight, circulation and I am sure more that I am missing.
My blood pressure has been one of my #1 worries for years now, I get readings of 110/70 and lower while at rest usually. If I am anxious they go to 120/70. Then I take it after coming down the stairs and not resting first etc and I get 125/68 and although I know that its because I JUST came down the stairs, I worry. I think about taking my BP all day long but have managed to resist. At one point I would take it approx every 5 minutes all day long. Same with my temperature. Which I am still doing in the evenings because it has been 99-99.6 every evening. Not quite a fever but it only happens in the evening. So what do I do..........thats right I google!!! Of course I get everything from TB to leukemia and more. Never something that says oh its normal, only the hardcore scare the crap out of me stuff. My fault for googling.
I have started wondering if I actually take some time and grief my dad's death (died in 1991 when I was 15) by going to a group maybe I will be able to let a few things go. I know I have yet to grief. Which is pretty bad. But its almost like if I do, then its real, but I mean all these years later its obviously real. I always think that was what triggered my health anxiety but when I truly think about it, it started much earlier and only spiraled when he died. Now he was always sick, even when I was very young. He had a heart attack very early on in his and my life. I remember being scared at times going out with him and he would get winded and have to take his nitro. Seeing the countless medications he needed to take. Visiting him in the hospital after a bypass surgery and seeing all the scary things hooked up to him.
I have always worried. Always. Excessively. I dont know what life is like to not worry like I do. I see my husband have a blood pressure of 155/114 because of pain and yet he never checks it again. He just doesnt worry and assumes that its fine now. Why cant I be that person? I have been let down countless numbers of times by doctors.
I was in pain for months at age 15, went to the ER over and over, my mom was getting mad at me and thinking I was faking, the doctors told me I was ovulating or it was just in my head. I tried to make them listen. Then finally a blood test showed something was wrong and I was called out of school to be admitted for emergency surgery. I had a very large ovarian cyst that was causing bleeding and other problems.
Then at 19 I went to the ER not even able to stand up straight with abdominal pain and vomitting. Again the doctor told me it was ovulation pain!!! My boyfriend said No, that I was not ok and we were not leaving until they did bloodwork. The doctor never even came back in the room, I was admitted and had surgery on my appendix right away. Now what would have happened if I had taken that painkiller and went home to bed???
At 20 I got a + pregnancy test but was having alittle pain so I went to the ER. They did blood work and an ultrasound. Next thing you know I have an IV in my hand and its going in so fast my whole arm is freezing. No one is saying anything. Then I get handed a big envelope that was my ultrasound results and they cap off my IV and told me I had to go to another hospital right away as my pregnancy was in my tube and I would need surgery. I cried the whole drive there. After 2 minutes with an OB/GYN they had looked at the ultrasound and told me the doctor read it wrong and congratulations I was pregnant and everything was perfect, go home!!
Well after that pregnancy I had my 3 day post partum check up at my doctors, I had high BP when I delivered and after but they said it would go away. So he takes my BP but never says anything and sends me on my way. That night I felt really bad so I went to the ER, they check records and my BP in his office that day was 200/110 and he sent me home!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then pregnancy #2 had pain, went to the ER. Did a urine sample for pregnancy instead of bloodwork. I had already gotten 2+ at home. They tell me its negative there is no way I am pregnant. Diagnose me with renal colic and give me a script for pain meds(which would not be safe for a pregnant person) I go to Walmart get two more tests. One digital. It comes up pregnant right away, so I walk back in and show them 4 tests and say What the hell??? Turns out their tests were all bad. The blood test was positive. Had I listened and taken the meds I would have caused the baby problems.
After baby#2 I feel really crappy again and head to the ER. They sent me home to early and my BP had skyrocketed. I was admitted right away for another week. Had I stayed home I wouldve likely had a stroke
Baby#3. Should be expecting it to happen right?? Well I know I was. Felt crappy, went to the OB's he had the nerve to tell me that my BP was low, like 100/55. I have my own monitor plus checked it at a pharmacy and it was 200/110 and climbing. So I go to the Er a few hours later because I am feeling really bad. Started on emerg meds to lower my BP and readmitted to the hospital where I spent weeks without my newborn. On a surgical floor, while my OB did nothing. For weeks he did nothing and finally called a cardiologist who prescribed me meds and sent me home.
Went to the ER about 2 years ago with pains in my chest, they did cardiac enzyme tests, one came back elevated so I had to wait 6 hours and have it redone. It was still elevated. So they kept me overnight and did a stress test in the am. Passed it so they said go home. I was back in a few hours with the same horrible pain. rapid pulse as well. They decided to keep me again because I was having tachycardiac episodes. They gave me heparin and told me I would have a lung scan in the morning. Well scan was clean so without doing any blood work they were just going to send me home even though I was in major pain. So I demanded bloodwork. Well low and behold, I had pancreatitis. Could have said some testing if they had just checked blood work first!!!!
I am sure I have more but rethinking about all that gives me shivers. The doc who did my surgeon is an OB/GYN. He is amazing. I trust him completely. He reassures me, double checks everything and understands my fear. What I wouldnt give to have him as a family doctor :( I dont know how to trust doctors anymore when I have been through so much. My family doctor now just gives me whatever I ask for. I asked for a script for blood pressure meds in case my blood pressure rises even though its not high and he gave it to me. He couldnt remember prescribing two benzos to me. He actually tells me I stress him out and that I am crazy. He cant retire soon enough yet I am sooooo scared that I will have someone even worse, someone that stops the drugs. Or listens even less.
When you have health anxiety, to everyone around you, everything you feel is always in your head. Anxiety is blamed for every sneeze, every headache, every quick heart beat. You are automatically labelled and not taken seriously, Even with family. Its like you are stuck in this world of your own terrified because no one listens anymore. Like you have cried wolf too many times, even though many of those times were legit.
Where is the way out. I cant just stop worrying. I dont want to die, I want to live, see my kids grow up and have kids. My dad missed out on that. I dont want that. I cant leave my kids to suffer like I did with the loss of a parent. My 12 yr old already suffers from anxiety. While its not health anxiety it is defintely a form developing. I did that. I gave her the genes, let her see my behaviour. I caused that. Now where does mine come from?
Is there a way out? Am I going to be like this forever? I want to just live! Love life, not worry about everything. Not wonder why, if, when, what, all the time. Steves grandma is dying from lung cancer. She starts radiation this week. It will not sure it. But it will buy her some time. Time that she will spend feeling the horrible ill effects of the treatments. My grandpa had lung cancer, decided to go through treatments. Died during his first treatment of a heart attack. His body couldnt do it. She is 85 I dont know how well she will take it. We are going to see her decline, and eventually die. I watched Steve's grandfather die and it still haunts me even though he passed quite peacefully.
Wow this is really all over the place!!! LOL Good for you if you managed to get through it. I just have so much to say and no one to say it too. My husband doesnt understand, tells me he doesnt know how to help. :( I have no counsellor, no real friends, my family and I are not close and wont talk about it with me anyway. I am alone in it. Not even a group I can attend. All I have is the forums, which at times can be more harm than good as you tend to pick up new ideas and diseases!!!!
My doctor thinks I am the way I am because I know to much. Medicine fascinates me and I know alot about it. Too much by far. I can read my own blood results and no what everything means, same with most tests. I can tell my doctor what I have and what med I need. Or even for my husband. He had constant headaches and I said what about Propanolol and sure enough the doc said yup that is the best bet. But I still at home and use it for bad and not good. But I am not strong enough to work. I need to get this figured out. I need people to talk to and share with. I need understanding most of all.

Where do we go from here

2009-11-08T22:33:00.000-08:00

Well it was an intense weekend. Kaden is slowly feeling better minus the constant coughing, but the fevers are gone. Last night Steve(my husband) needed me to take him to the ER twice! Never have I seen him like he was. He was in so much pain and even crying. His BP was 155/114 because of the pain. His wisdom teeth are a mess and caused an abscess or something. Our first trip to the ER they prescribed T3's which didnt touch the pain at all, he couldnt handle it, so I brought him back and they gave him a shot.
It was strange. The person that has been my safe person, my rock and last night that was my position. I had to calm him down and comfort him. I was the one in the waiting room wondering what was happening. I thought it would completely rattle my nerves but I took it surprisingly well.
The weather was gorgeous yesterday and today so I went for a walk both days. I can really feel the muscles I havent used much since surgery and my abs got alittle sore.
Now for the worry!! lol My temp has been up every night before bed. Not super high but just below 100. My throat also gets scratchy and I feel blah. It only seems to happen in the evening. Its like my body is working super hard to fight off the germs in this house and the ones from the ER but it slacks off in the evening or something!!! I am trying to not let it worry me, its more frustrating than anything because I keep thinking I am getting something and then its gone. Not that I am complaining!! I will be 5 weeks post op this week. Amazing. I have moments that I am sad I will never carry a child again but then I think of the fact I will never have a period again and that makes up for it. LOL
I have been worrying about my meds. I do NOT want to go off any as they basically work for me but the benzos are suppose to be short term and not 3 years like I have been. Plus I am on two different benzos plus Paxil and a beta blocker. I am worried that when my doctor retires I will have someone that makes me stop them all and things will get bad. Yet I worry about the fact that I am addicted to them all. :( I guess time will tell with that one.
Hoping for another nice day tomorrow to get a walk in before it gets cold and the snow comes.

Ups and downs

2009-11-06T22:03:00.000-08:00

Well I have been doing alittle better with my anxiety but it seems like there is always something to test it. Our family got the H1N1 shots and then 2 days later my 2 yr old daughter ended up with the swine flu as well as my husband, 12 yr old daughter and just recently my 3 yr old son. My son is taking it the hardest by far. He has been sleeping alot, and not eating or drinking well and just unwell. It has had me stressed out. I have bought him everything possible in hopes of getting him to take food or drink and finally he had some watermelon tonight. So its a start. Back in April he had a stomach bug and ended up very sick and in the hospital for 4 days. So I am very cautious with him.

My recovery seems to be going well. I still am desperate to get back to full on gym workouts. The best thing is my platelets are normal again!!!!!! I am soooo happy. They went from 600 down to 387 so I am thrilled. And yes the doctors were right. LOL

I am going to be sad when I no longer see my surgeon, he is an amazing doctor who does everything to ease my mind and make me feel better. If only he was a general practitioner. Days are getter darker and colder, which drops my mood. Money problems are insane. Christmas is coming which is another stress. This time of the year just all around sucks. The germs, the money, the lack of sun, the snow, the cold. But I guess you live in Canada you deal with the weather.

I have been working alot in my anxiety workbook and it seems to be helping. I do it everynight before bed.

I am staying up too late and sleeping in too late. My schedule for sleep is a mess. Sleep at 2:30 up briefly around 6-7am and then sleep till 12:30pm. Not good at all. So I need to get back into my kid watching hours! The kids have been going to the sitter since I had surgery. It has been so good for them and they love it there. I would love to keep them in mornings but of course its the cost that worries me. I just hate to stop something that I believe is helping them alot, especially Kaden with his speech and socialization skills.

I need to find a hobby, but I dont know what yet. I am not really good at anything! LOL But I want to get into something that I can do regular. Also that doesnt cost an arm and a leg. Time to start coming up with some ideas. Well thats all for now, nothing much exciting. Hopefully there wont be much to write the next time as well, that will mean things are going well!

Slowly getting there

2009-10-27T21:49:00.000-07:00

Well I have increased my meds, seen my doctor a few times and am slowly getting there. I had a scare last week with pain and bleeding and ended up spending the night in the ER. I found out my platelet levels were up which to me sent me into a frenzy, I started taking baby aspirin right away worried my blood was to thick. I had 4 doctors tell me that it is normal after surgery but I was just not hearing it.

I had blood work today to see if the number is down and I am praying that it is. There have been some tragedies lately that have made me wonder and question why I am living like I do. Someone close lost their 3 mnth old niece to SIDS. I cannot fathom the pain that family must be going through. Also there is a huge outbreak of the swine flu and a perfectly healthy 13 yr old boy died. I am terrified for my kids and wish I could keep my daughter home from school and keep us all locked up and safe from the germs!!!

The worst part is my husbands grandmother was diagnosed today with lung cancer. We saw her the weekend before thanksgiving and we questioned each other about her health and felt that something didnt seem right. My mother saw a picture of her and also said she didnt look well at all and looked like she had cancer. Sure enough the day of my surgery she was admitted to the hospital with fluid on her lungs and they found a spot on her lungs. It is in her lymph nodes and they said chemo just is not an option. So it looks like possible radiation which we dont know if she would really survive, and she goes back in two weeks to basically be given a "time line" We want to all get and stay healthy so we can go see her as much as possible as we know that this isnt a good thing.

So after all these things happening it makes me wonder why I focus my day to day on things I cannot control. If something is going to happen its going to happen. All I can do is live the best I can and enjoy my life and family day to day. I am wasting my life worrying about things beyond my control. Now if I could just believe and follow that, maybe I will get somewhere.

Its been a long time!!!!

2009-10-20T12:57:00.000-07:00

Yet I wish I wasnt having to type this! My anxiety has returned 10X stronger :(

I had a hysterectomy on the 8th of October and I have been a disaster since. I am soooooo upset that my blood pressure has risen from the nice good # I had come to love. I was comfortable, not on meds, and not anxious!!!! Well worrying about complications and the surgery itself has driven me to the brink again. I spend hours looking up info on abscesses, clots, high blood pressure, why my BP is higher in one arm than the other, and the list goes on. I have had to up my anxiety meds and a BP med but one that is suppose to help with anxiety more so than BP. I NEED to see my normal BP again, I need to be recovered and not have complications on my mind 24/7. I dont know how to get back to being that peaceful somewhat calm person I was a month ago. I was going to the gym and it helped me alot. Having to sit around waiting to recover is making things worse. I have no outlet, I am bored and stir crazy and SCARED. The kids and Steve are not home most of the day so I sleep because I hate feeling so alone.

I feel alone, lost, scared and so many more emotions, I kept my ovaries with the surgery which I am super grateful for but yet I still wonder if my hormones are alittle messed up from the surgery and increasing the anxiety as well. I miss having others that feel the same to chat with. I need someone who understands and just doesnt brush me off and tell me not to worry.

Top things off, everyone is sick. No one at home so far, knock on wood. But there are so many at school and friends of my daughter that are sick with things constantly. I hate this time of the year and it seems like this is going to be a bad year for the colds etc. Too much to worry about, I want to just go back to the summer on the beach and loving life and the fun and no worries!!!!!!!!!

On my own :(

2008-06-17T15:05:00.000-07:00

My doc in Kingston told me today it was our last appt. Apparently because he has made all the recommendations to my family doc it is now his job to follow up. Which he isnt. One rec was a new med. He wont put me on it cause its new in Canada. Another was a team that specializes in anxiety which would be PERFECT, however my doc has something personal against the person who runs it so he wont refer me there either. My last hope is that he sends me to CAHM. Which as of yesterday he had not done anything about. So here I am back at square one, anxiety is horrible, no appts left with the EAP counsellor and no more appts in Kingston with the phychiatrist, so I am screwed.
Plus for the first time ever Steve and I are having problems. His being diagnosed with depression has caused problems. I guess he feels now that he does not have to watch the kids etc that he needs all the free time he can get and I am stuck doing it all. Why do things have to be so hard :(

What a weekend

2008-06-15T09:49:00.000-07:00

It has not been fun. Steve is working midnights, Madison is at her dads and my anxiety has decided to show up in full force. Friday night was the worst. I was having stomach cramps, my blood pressure was up and I just felt absolutely alone and terrified. I had the same type of pain from when I had pancreatitis so I was petrified that it was happening again. Of course that jst made m blood pressure shoot up which I was taking atleast every five minutes when I didnt have a thermometer stuck in my mouth. ]
When Steve is so far away and I have no car I am so worried that if something happens to me I am screwed, what will I do with the kids? How will I get anywhere.
I spent over an hour googling health related things that of course scared me even more. I should know better but when I am at that point everything I do and think is irrational.
I guess the best part is I made it through.

Last night was not quite as bad. I did have a pain in my side and chest pain that was starting to get intense but thankfully I fell asleep. I think it stems from the magazine article I read that young, fit healthy woman are having more heart attacks. There couldnt be a worse thing for me to read. My biggest fear right there in print.

Today is fathers day. I miss my dad more than words can describe. He was my everything and things have and never will be the same. I would love to be able to be going over to his place today with the kids. The kids he never got to meet. I truly believe I have yet to fully grieve the loss of him and that is a part of my problem. My fear of dying how he died is so overwhelming. I am only 8 years away from the age he was when he died, by my age he had already had bypass surgery and several heart attacks. I miss him so much it still hurts and it has been 17 years. 17 years, that is crazy. Unfortunately its been 16 years of sheer panic and anxiety hell. All I want is to life my live, without this horrible demon. Enjoy my kids, enjoy life. My dad did, sickness and all. He lived each days to its fullest. Why can I not adapt that attitude? Someday.

Happy Fathers Day Dad, I love you and miss you so much. I hope you can see your beautiful grandchildren as they would have loved you! We all love you!

Still feels like a Monday!

2008-05-20T12:04:00.000-07:00

Started off the day tired. Very Very tired. Not sure if its because Rae was up quite a bit coughing or what it was but I had zero motivation. Fed the kids, played with them, fed them again and poor Rae was falling asleep in her highchair. So put them down for their naps. I doubted that I would be able to get on the bike for long because I was so wiped out but I did 32 kms and was on 45+ minutes, then I did a stability ball workout so I was quite impressed. Actually feeling alittle less tired as well. Checked my BP about 4 times so far today. Not good, not bad. Its far from the one time that I am suppose to check it. Still 5 more hours till Steve gets home and I hate that. Thankfully tomorrow with having to go to Kingston I will be so busy that HOPEFULLY the time will fly. The worst part is the drive. I get really really tired and have troubles staying awake. So need to get my butt in bed at a normal time tonight.
So not much to report so far, borderline on the anxiety, hasnt built up so hopefully it wont!

Good and Bad day

2008-05-19T20:33:00.000-07:00

I worked out hard for 45 minutes today and then went for a walk with the family. My anxiety has been up more than it has been today. I am unhappy with my blood pressure numbers and feel like the harder I try to keep them down by eating right, exercise etc the less it is helping. I know Steve is younger but when he gets such good BP #'s and eats a ton of salt and doesnt exercise etc it actually bothers me. Why do I have to fight so hard just to keep it barely below high. I hate it! I feel cheated somehow.
Steve starts 12's tomorrow so he will be gone for 14 hours a day now. That sucks big time. He wont even see the kids. That is part of my anxiety. I hated it when he was on 10's. This sucks so much more. But its life and I need to suck it up and deal with it. I am interested to hear what Dr.M has to say about me lowering my Paxil on Wednesday. I dont think he can say much when it was causing such serious side effects! Hmmm stay on a high dose and kill myself or go back down and figure something else out! No brainer there. I had phychiatrists. I really do. I spend an hour spilling my every fear and he says nothing. All he does is tell me to try not to take my blood pressure so much and gives me a script that nearly killed me. Gee thanks a ton! Glad I drove over an hour for that. I am so looking forward to Wednesday :( Maybe he will actually listen and realize that we are not getting anywhere. Who knows. One can hope right!!!!
Anyhow its late and I should be laying next to Steve since our time is going to be very limited together this week. Hopefully today is a brighter day.

Its been awhile!

2008-05-18T20:46:00.000-07:00

Wow it has been months since I have posted. I am not really sure why. I guess if I dont write about it maybe it isnt real?
I am actually over a month free of blood pressure medication!! It is a miracle. I do tend to have days when it is not what I would like it to be and it sets off my anxiety pretty badly but I get through them which is what is truly important.
I have had several ups and downs since I last wrote. My husband has started a new job that takes him away for 14+ hours a day which is a huge change from having him home with me for 9 mnths straight. I have been coping pretty well with it though.
My biggest fall back of course is still the blood pressure and the constant checking and the insane fear that it will get high again. I get very upset because I am doing everything I can to keep it low and when it goes up I feel like I am failing.
Exercise has become a very positive thing in my daily life. I feel really good after a good workout and I think it keeps the anxiety in check.
I am also starting to see a relation to my hormones and the anxiety, it seems the same days each month I have very bad days. I have talked to my doctor and we are trying a vitamin first and then possibly birth control that helps to regulate hormones. I am not really keen on that idea but we will see,
I FINALLY got my doctor to send me to a phychiatrist. I have to drive over an hour but its about time. Of course he did what I thought and raised my paxil to a high dose. It was a horrible experience. I began having night terrors and having constant suicidal thoughts and felt like I was truly going crazy. So I am back down to my normal dose. I am not sure what the next step is. I think he wants to send me to an OCD clinic out of town. But it is a short inpatient thing and with two young kids it may be very difficult to do.
Either way, I am here, getting through things one day at a time, one step at a time. Trying to keep the demon at bay. It has almost been a year since my daughter was born and I had the horrible blood pressure experience so hopefully each day it gets further away it will leave my mind. I guess I can hope.

LOVING my new prescription!!!

2008-02-08T16:22:00.000-08:00

Okay so it is a Benzo, bad reputation I know. But omg what a difference it has made in two days. I was prescribed Clonazepam yesterday on top of the Paxil and lorazepam that I already take and it made me feel better within one hour of taking it. It is longer lasting than lorazepam and seems to help so much more. So I have alittle bit more optimism back which is a great start!!!!

The start of another new day

2008-02-06T06:52:00.001-08:00

So far not so bad. Besides the fact we have yet another Winter storm happening. Schools cancelled again. Freezing rain, tons of snow and a touch of cabin fever going on.
I didnt wake up to anxious. I of course took my temperature which was fine and my blood pressure, which was fine but not low enough to keep me happy.
Steve is off today but has gone out to do some errands so its me and the three kids as usual.
I have started thinking so negatively lately. I sit here and think that this is going to be my life day in and day out with no change for atleast 4 years until one of the babies is in school. Same ole cleaning, changing diapers, cooking etc etc. I love my kids and wouldnt change them at all but the idea that this is it is scary. I need to find hobbies or something or I will go mad. Thank goodness for the computer atleast!
I desperately need to get back on the treadmill. It has been a week plus and I know its affecting me. With Steve working I havent been able to get to the new gym I joined at all yet. Not to mention the fact I am alittle anxious about going there for the first time to begin with. But I will get there and get back on track, I have too! For me and my family.
I have also looked into finding an "on call" type of babysitter. Basically if Steve is at work and I am having a rough go of it, someone I can call to bring the kids too for awhile until I can calm down or whatever. I really think that would ease my mind ALOT. Anyhow, since its so early in the day I will come back and update later this evening!

Well still fighting with it

2008-02-05T17:09:00.000-08:00

I made it through yesterday without having to call Steve home from work. It was a very long day and I had to take Ativan to make it through it.
Today I was alittle better and only needed half an ativan but have still been feeling really worked up. I have been taking my temperature constantly because it is up a tiny bit. And I mean a tiny bit(98.7-99) so .1 to .3 of a degree. But yet I am still worried and keep taking it over and over again. Same goes with the blood pressure. Forever taking it. When I see 120/75 I panic. I am only happy when it is below 110/70. Drives me crazy!!!!! The good thing is that I didnt increase my BP meds. I tend to do that if I see a slightly higher reading than normal and I know it is not good to self medicated like that.
I just wanna go back to where I was. Feeling better, more optimistic and not so horrible. I type this as I stick the thermoter back in my mouth for the 5th time in ten minutes. And of course it is 99 so now I am in a panic again! Why do I do this to myself?????? Why cant I just put it away and ignore it. This is such a painful part of my life. I cant even imagine what my 10 yr old must think when she sees me doing this. She must think her mom is nuts. I want to be healthy, feel healthy and stop thinking about it all the time!!!! I am missing out on so much because of this. My babies growing up, my enjoyment, time with my husband. For others out there that suffer I can imagine you know the feeling. I just hope tomorrow is a better day

NOT GOOD AT ALL!!!!

2008-02-04T15:36:00.000-08:00

I had a horrible day yesterday. I was too overwhelmed and sad and the anxiety came back full force. I was staking my blood pressure every 2 minutes and of course it was up and taking my temperature and crying and shaking it was HORRIBLE!!!
Today I have been borderline, I have been taking ativan to get through the day because Steve is at work and I am alone all day. I am so upset that I am doing so bad. I HATE THIS!

All moved in

2008-02-02T20:06:00.000-08:00

Well the day started off rough. I woke up with a headache and full of anxiety. I am sure it is just because of so much going on.
It was a rough move. They messed up where we were suppose to pick up the truck and then it took well over an hour just to shovel the driveway at the new place so we could get the truck in.
Then my Step-father who was really the only one we had helping us move was not feeling well so he couldnt lift much so I did alot and of course hurt my back from it! That plus the shovelling and I am sore and tired! Then to top it off, Steve lost my bank card and I had no money on me it was all in the bank!!!
So needless to say I am ready to have a good night sleep. Although we also discovered the heater in our bedroom does not work so it will be a cold night sleep!!
I am scared and excited to begin another chapter and move on in our lives. I really want to keep things stable and try and do as well as I have been.
I actually timed the drive from the new house to the hospital tonight. It is only 3 minutes away and that was with two red lights!!! That eases my mind alot because we were 20 minutes or more away.
So that is one huge plus! No bring on Spring!

Our last night before the big move

2008-02-01T17:27:00.000-08:00

It is bittersweet really. 8 months living with my parents. Severe Post Partum depression, major anixety and panic attacks and some health problems and we are finally ready to move out and on.
The weather couldnt be more horrible here. Major snow and ice pellets so we have been stuck in doors all day. Which of course makes my anxiety level alittle higher. I went out and shovelled though and that seemed to keep some of the anxiety away.
Tomorrow we gather up the rest of our stuff and officially move in our new house. It will be strange at first because we have become so accustomed to living here. I am hoping that the kids all deal with the change okay because I am never really good with change.
Thankfully Steve is off all weekend and then starts days on Monday so I wont be alone in the night for a week or more.
I have had pain in my right side today which of course makes my health anxiety start up. I always think its my pancreas again or my liver. I am trying my hardest to ignore it and look at the fact that if I could go outside and shovel heavy snow then I must be ok.
Anyhow, we shouldnt be without the internet at all for the move so that is one major plus.
Wish us luck and a clear day for tomorrow!!!

Trying to keep it under control

2008-01-31T08:25:00.000-08:00

Well the move is on. We have been moving stuff to the new place and trying to set things up all week. It has been really hard because the kids really dont let usdo much without crying or needing our full attention. Between the move and Steve being back on nights and a snow storm coming tomorrow I am feeling alittle overwhelmed.
The baby didnt sleep hardly at all last night and is miserable so I am also tired and cranky. I cut my finger with a knife so I had to have a tetanus shot yesterday so now both my hand and my arm hurt! When I woke up everything hurt. My stomach, back, everything! That of course made me slightly anxious. Plus with the baby being miserable I am trying really hard to keep her quiet so Steve can sleep but its hard! Its not a quiet house with a 22 mnth and an 8 mnth old!
I am pretty proud of myself to be pulling through everything but still worried that it is going to become to overwhelming. The good thing is Steve works tonight but then is off for the weekend so only one more night with very little sleep and worrying about being alone.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that the snow storm tomorrow wont be as bad as they predict because it is going to make a heck of a mess to try and move in! And we have to truck reserved so we have no choice!!!!
Anyhow, thats my rambling for the day. I am sure there will be more later but hopefully I can keep things under control! Wish me luck!

I DID IT!!!

2008-01-27T18:19:00.000-08:00

Okay so maybe I didnt get my wisdom teeth out on Tuesday (which turned out to be a good thing because that day I ended up with a horrible cold so I wouldve been miserable!!!)

But this weekend Steve went back to work and I have been ok!!!! Its the first time in 8 months that I have been alone with the kids in the evening and overnight. I did it! I am so happy! My anxiety is usually the worst in the evening and Steve helps calm me down so I was really worried how I would cope with him being gone all evening and all night but I did great!! He is on his third twelve hour shift!

We have the keys to our new place as well. We have started moving things in and unpacking. We are moving in officially on Saturday. So lots of things happening!
I also joined a gym. When I move I wont have the treadmill anymore and since it helps so much I thought I better keep at it, so I got myself a membership. I havent went yet since Steve has worked all weekend but I am looking forward to it!

I didnt do it :(

2008-01-22T16:18:00.001-08:00

Well last night after much thinking I called and cancelled my appt to have my wisdom teeth taken out. I have come so far in the past week that I was scared to fall back again. I have so much coming up with Steve going back to work and us moving very soon that I didnt think taking anything else on was a good idea. Plus the thought of not being able to do my treadmill workouts scared me! It helps so much with the anxiety that 5 days without would be awful!
So when things calm down in my life I am going to reschedule.
The good part is I dont feel like I failed, I feel like I made the decision that was right for me and my progress.
Other than that, we had tons of snow today. I need spring, I am so tired of the scary winter driving. Too many people in accidents and it scares me taking the kids out in it.

Weekend over already!

2008-01-20T15:47:00.000-08:00

I swear whenever there is something I am NOT looking forward to the time flies!
The weekend has been ok. Last night and again this evening I am having the low pulse and ear noise. It drives me crazy!
I did another 2 miles on the treadmill even though I was tired and not really in the mood. I just want to start to feel better. Healthy and happy would be great! ut I will take whatever I can get.
So close to wisdom teeth day. I have to admit I am alittle scared and defintely not looking forward to it. I imagine my post tomorrow night will be full of anxiety!
It is also getting close to the time for us to move. I am excited and nervous. One step at a time, I try to keep reminding myself.
I have really gotten into my Jon Kabat Zinn books and CD's I truly believe it is what I am reading that is helping alot.

Good Days and Bad Days

2008-01-19T16:32:00.000-08:00

I have to learn that I will have both. Last night I wasnt feeling real well. My pulse rate was low and I had that horrible low buzz in my ears. Of course it makes me anxious.
I saw my therapist on thursday and she thinks that I am doing much better than when I last saw here in December. I really like going there but sometimes reliving the past isnt always a good thing.
I did 2 miles on the treadmill today!!! I was so proud of myself. I was tired and sweaty but it is so worth it. I know it helps with my anxiety.
Right now I am trying not to focus on my pulse rate as I know it is low again but I was ok last night so I will be fine tonight.
I am trying hard to keep up with the midfulness, but at times it gets really hard. I know it has changed my life and way of thinking though.
I swear Jon-Kabat Zinn is a genuis. If I could go to his stress reduction clinic or attend a meditation with him I would be in my glory!
The countdown to the wisdom teeth removal is on! Only three days to go! I will admit I am NOT looking forward to it at all!

OH NO!!

2008-01-15T15:26:00.000-08:00

So today was interesting. Started out at the oral surgeon. I have to go in on Tuesday and have surgery to have three wisdom teeth out. One is deeply imbedded in the bone so it will be painful! Thank goodness I will be out for it.
Then I go to the doctor and get told I have to have a Barium Enema! YIKES I dont fully know what it is but it sounds unpleasant!
So all in all an interesting day thats for sure, my anxiety hasnt been to bad today which is a nice change. I have been super busy so that is probably why. I am going to hit the treadmill soon I think and help keep the anxiety at bay.

The panic sets in

2008-01-14T13:30:00.000-08:00

I have been ok for most of the day but I tried to only take half of my blood pressure pill today and my BP went up to 125/80. I know that isnt really too bad but when you are use to seeing 105/65 it is scary. So I have been sitting with the BP cuff attached to my arm for an hour or better. I just want things to go back to how they were. No meds, normal blood pressure and no anxiety!!!
I am feeling so unhappy and frustrated!!!!

We have a home!

2008-01-13T16:55:00.000-08:00

Well we found a place to rent!!! It is half a house and absolutely perfect for us! I am so happy!
So that is one huge thing off my mind for now!
I have been feeling good and bad. My pulse rate still seems to get low in the evening and I feel alittle off. I tend to worry about it so that just intensifies everything.
I keep telling myself that I am going to through my blood pressure monitor away but for now and while I am trying to stop my BP meds I am going to keep it around. It will be a huge day in my life when I actually put it away though.
Steve has to go back to work soon and that is a huge worry for me. He has been off for 7 months now with me and I know I can cope without him but I am still worried about having attacks while he is at work and I am alone with the kids.
If anyone out there with kids experience panic around them can you offer any workds of advice?
My 10 yr old has been having panic lately as well. Hers is more related to ghosts and such but i can defintely see myself in her and it scares me. The first panic attack she had I had her in counselling the next day. I always wonder if I had gotten the help I needed right away when I was younger if things would be different now.
Oh well, need to live in the now and no the past!
I am really wanting to start taking yoga classes and I am going to see if we can work it into our budget somehow. I think it will really help me out alot.
Anyhow, time for bed for the kiddos!

Well its my first blog!! I have joined the real world!

2008-01-10T15:45:00.000-08:00

I decided to start a blog after fellow anxiety sufferers and group members I know did and it seems to help them. So this is basicaly a daily look inside my "hell" as I like to call it!
Today hasnt been to bad of a day really. I have been slightly anxious but have managed to survive on .5 of Ativan only!
I also cut out on of my blood pressure pills because I think they tend to make me feel crappy so I end up more anxious in the long run.
We have been searching like crazy for a new place to live. Well we have an apartment already to move into but it is in Port Hope and I have since decided I dont think I can leave this area or take my oldest daughter from her friends, activities etc. So the search is on! We have seen some nice places its just a matter of being accepted into one.
Fingers crossed!!!!!
It will defintely help my anxiety once we find a place.
I have also been doing some research into hypnosis for my panic and anxiety. It sounds very promising but very expensive. So I have to make a decision there.
Anywoo, not bad for a first admission.